The healing power of great friendship is irreplaceable

I’m not a Facebook kind of person but every now and then it comes knocking at my inbox notifying me of someone’s birthday from way back when. I must confess there are times I’ve never heard of the person, or my memory decided to take a breather. Yet yesterday morning I couldn’t help but smile when the reminder email announced the birthday of a dear friend from close to 55 years ago. It invited memories — dawn brightening a mind’s forgotten landscape. I thought back to my first friend when I was three years old. We shared bubble gum and bus rides. I had my first sleepover at Carrie’s house but got homesick and had to return home to my house next door. We rode bikes around the “circle” all by ourselves. And her mom, who of course I called Mrs. Callaci, made an unforgettable spaghetti sauce, which was called gravy, that I can still smell. This is all to say, friendships play a major role in our development.

The healing power of friendship is universal and core to our happiness, mental health and longevity. An Australian study revealed that those with friends outlived those without by 22%. Studies have shown that friendships actually are a form of immunity against diseases such as Alzheimer’s and stroke and that friendships and social ties lead to a 50% greater chance of survival. It is a primal need to feel a connection and belonging to a “tribe.” Simply put, warm connections with others make us feel better. We need one other. Unfortunately, according to a Gallup poll, 300 million people globally are without one friend, thus suffering a deep sense of loneliness and disconnection. That isolation has only been exacerbated by COVID-19. Although the world is healing, three years of screen and phone connection was deeply wearing on our hearts and souls no matter where you lie on the introversion/extroversion continuum. And all of us know loneliness, even if we have friendships, we can be reminded that we are not alone with our loneliness.

Yet building rewarding friendships can often be difficult. Our early social relationships beginning with our family of origin and extending out into the world starting in early childhood have a pivotal influence on our future relationships. The ease, the challenges, the beauty, and traumas are often carried with us for years as models for building our friendships and ongoing social network. What we experienced formed familiar patterns, setting the stage for both satisfying and healthy relationships as well as those filled with unmet needs. We have a way, often unconsciously, of recreating familiar friendships, which may serve us well, other times not in our best interest. Yet we have the opportunity for healing and a “do-over.” Repetition forces us to greet feelings in the present similar to what we might have felt as children. Simultaneously we grieve past and present wounds in the safety of our more mature wiser, compassionate self to soothe. That inner friend was likely not as developed early on often resorting to feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Yet this time we have a dear, compassionate friend in the self to help us heal and let go of the pain. It is that process that allows us to repair and recreate satisfying relationships versus repeating ones that don’t serve us. Our friends match how we feel about ourselves. The more compassion we exhibit toward ourselves, the more love we will share through giving and receiving. The external finds harmony with our internal experience.

Friendships come in every color, shape, and size and are not one size fits all. A close friend is golden, but the spirit of friendliness can be developed in so many of our day-to-day interactions. There is no division when it comes to the need for friendship. In all walks of life, we have the opportunity to extend a hand so we may walk together. We need one another to find our way. As we age friends come and go, sometimes by choice but sometimes due to illness and death. They teach us about the inevitability of loss. A friend can never be replaced, but space is made to meet others and new friendships are a delight.

Mr. Rogers tenderly sang, “You are my friend; you are special to me.” Such simplicity, yet pure wisdom about the importance of friendship. Increasing friendliness toward ourselves reminds us to ask that timeless question we learned as children. It is beautiful, wise, and couched in innocence, “Will you be my friend?”