Woman wonders if she may be ignoring a major red flag
DEAR AMY » For the past few months, I have been dating a guy who (I thought) could be
“the one.”
Tonight, he told me that instead of just being married one time (for 18 years), he was actually married a second time (for two years). This came out of nowhere. I was totally aware of his first marriage and two kids, but was completely blindsided by the revelation of the second marriage (which in his words was a horrendous mistake).
I don’t know why he wasn’t honest from the beginning, and I am concerned he only brought this up to save our relationship.
Yes, I see the many red flags, but keep seeing his “good side.” It’s what I tend to do.
I understand him wanting to get everything out in the open now. I want to encourage his honesty, but should I be concerned that it took so long to share this twoyear marriage with me?
How do I move on trusting that there is no other shoe to drop?
Do I need to calm down? OR is this the brightest shade of red on a flag yet?
— Florida Flag Girl DEAR FLAG » You might receive some clarity by looking at this differently.
This disclosure was offered, freely, as a way to further your intimate connection (what you call “saving the relationship.”) Granted, the disclosure should have been made earlier.
Your guy deeply regrets this second marriage. He is embarrassed by it. Have you fully disclosed your most embarrassing and regrettable episodes?
Have you told him about your most horrendous mistake? If so, your own honesty and trust may have inspired him to feel comfortable enough to disclose his.
Yes, I believe this is a flag, but not necessarily a red flag. Take it more as a sign that you two are on a journey toward intimacy, and also as a very good reason not to rush headlong or blindly forward. You should always be responsible and self-protective regarding your own choices.
And yes, you should ask him what other headlines he has buried.
DEAR AMY » “Just Wondering” was bothered by his girlfriend texting back and forth with a male co-worker.
I am willing to bet if a woman had written that letter, you would have advised differently. If a man were to receive text messages frequently from a female co-worker during off hours, I am sure his female partner would have a lot to say about that ... and many women would agree with her.
Try being a bit more equal with your advice.
— Upset DEAR UPSET » I asserted the woman’s right to have a friendship, the man’s right to have honesty and transparency from his partner, and anyone’s right to ask their partner to limit their texting.