Husband claims slur is ‘just a word’

DEAR AMY >> About two years ago, my husband started using the “N-word” (we are white).

He mainly used this word when watching something that upsets him or when he would drink. You get the picture.

He is now upset because some of the family (and I) say that using the N-word makes him look racist.

He says it’s just a word, and it’s OK because he used it all the time when he lived in California with his Black friends and that they all just said it, no matter what race they were referring to.

We argue about this, and he defends his past behavior, no matter my opinion.

He has mostly stopped using the word after I made a huge issue about it. Occasionally, he will say it when he is mad about a certain person on the news or politician and it’s loud enough that our daughter can hear.

— Disgusted

DEAR DISGUSTED >> Using the “N-word” doesn’t make your husband “look” racist.

It makes your husband an actual racist.

According to you, he only evokes the word when he is mad at or hates something or someone. But this is a case where context doesn’t even matter.

Racists seem to enjoy declaring that the “N-word” — or other racial or ethnic slurs — are “just words,” but for some reason they never seem to use slurs directed at themselves.

DEAR AMY >> My husband has two siblings and several nieces and nephews.

His brother’s daughter is pregnant and everyone is genuinely excited about the baby.

Our issue is that a few years ago my very generous and kind father-in-law (her grandfather) gave her funds to attend college.

We don’t know how long or how successful she was with her college, but eventually she stopped going and dropped out.

Somehow this became a sore spot, and she refused to communicate any longer with her grandfather.

She has not spoken to him in well over a year.

This had to be hurtful for him — at 97 years old.

He has been generous and supportive to all his children and grandchildren and has never interfered in anyone’s life.

We are appalled by her behavior.

I have been invited to her baby shower and have been given a list of specific items from which to choose with instructions that we need to choose from the list.

My husband and I do not care to support her because of this rift. Should we send a gift?

— Concerned Aunt

DEAR CONCERNED >> The way I read your question, you would prefer not to recognize or celebrate your niece, out of solidarity to her grandfather.

You can ghost this niece, or gripe about her too-expensive shower registry, but when you withdraw from her, you are then perpetuating HER poor behavior.

I suggest that you disconnect her previous objectionable behavior from her pregnancy.

At the end of the day, her relationship with him is her responsibility to manage — and you should not judge or interfere, unless you are invited to.