Mother-in-law’s rant requires apology

DEAR AMY » In 2019, after a five-year-long process to make up his mind, my son married a young woman who is the only child of an Indian couple whose own marriage was arranged.

Our daughterin-law has not embraced our family and doesn’t seem interested in interacting with us.

This past Christmas, she mostly kept to herself, doing things on her computer, playing with her dog, or just staying in the guest bedroom while my son hung out with us.

We are a very warm family. Our son and daughter participate, while my daughter-inlaw doesn’t help in the kitchen at all, avoids hugs, and goes to her bedroom after dinner without a word.

She has no social graces and her behavior, especially toward me, has always been extremely cold and distant.

She doesn’t have a very good relationship with her own mother, and they clashed a lot when organizing the wedding.

The day before they were supposed to return home, my cup was full and some steam escaped in the form of harsh words to my son about her, which she overheard.

Since then, I have written a long email to my son to apologize for my ugly words against the woman he loves.

I also intend to apologize to her after I have been reassured that she will accept my apology. I intend to mention that I do not understand her coldness and hostility toward us.

So far, my son has not replied; it’s been a week.

Any advice on how to reconnect with them?

— Upset MIL

DEAR UPSET » You should not wait for assurance that your apology will be accepted before offering one. Nor should you double down and place any blame on the person you’ve offended.

You should call your son and speak with him about this. Ask him to pass the phone to his wife. Your apology should be direct and sincere: “I am so sorry you overheard my harshness at Christmastime. I’ve been searching for ways to be closer to you, and this is definitely not the way to go about it. I’m very embarrassed and feel absolutely terrible about this. I hope you can forgive me.”

If you are unable to do this by phone, you should write directly to her.

Dear Amy >> Methinks you have fallen for an urban myth that the word “tip” is an acronym for “To Insure Promptness.” First of all, the word is “ensure,” not “insure.” It’s a simple fact check.

— Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED »

There is a healthy and important debate regarding the use of tips to compensate restaurant workers.

In terms of the acronym, my “simple fact check” regarding this assertion was borrowed from the New York Times: “One [London coffeehouse] frequented by Samuel Johnson had a bowl printed with the words “To Insure Promptitude,” and some speculate that ‘tip’ is an acronym for this phrase.”