Leaving after years of abuse
When my youngest son graduates high school, I plan on leaving my husband.
My husband, “Bill,” and I have two sons. My husband has refused to discipline either of them. He’s always allowed the elder son (age 20) to curse me out and make my life a living hell, as well as bully his little brother. Bill has often been dismissive and verbally abusive toward me, too. Bill is a veritable saint to every other human yet talks very poorly about those who admire him. No one except for my sons and me knows what really goes on behind closed doors.
I’ve repeatedly told my elder son he has slowly killed my love for him over the years. I never dreamed I would be spoken to in such a vile manner. I have always taught him right from wrong, but his dad is the greater influence, it seems. I try not to speak to my son now unless he speaks to me first.
Right now, I have no funds, but around the time when my youngest son graduates, I will be able to draw my pension. As soon as I have my own funds, I plan to seek counseling — for myself and for my sons, if they will go. My husband does not believe in such “nonsense” as counseling and rarely allows me more than a few dollars for personal use.
Do old dogs ever learn new tricks? Do verbally abusive people ever change or even regret their actions? I feel that being away from both of them, even with a meager pension, will be better than the hell I feel stuck in.
— Waiting for May
I am so sorry that you’ve been treated terribly by two people who should have treated you with love and respect. It’s not uncommon for children of emotionally or physically abusive parents to repeat those behaviors as they grow up. I hope your son seeks help to purge the toxic behavior he’s internalized.
To answer your question, it’s possible for abusers to regret their actions and change — but victims can’t count on it. I think you’re wise to move out. It will be healthier not only for you but also for your other son, who should know that it’s never too late to leave a bad situation.
Covertly speak to a lawyer soon so you can begin making your plans. Follow through on seeking counseling once you’re able, and encourage your younger son to do the same.
I never write commentaries, but I find myself furious about the letter from “Jane in Virginia,” who feels that a return to royalty would be a good thing for American women.
I have an ancestor commemorated on Bunker Hill. My ancestors fought to free this country and make it a country where all men (and women) are created equal. Jane has apparently bought into Hollywood’s sumptuous presentations in which the idle gentry live on huge estates while their commoner servants, who have nothing, scurry around waiting on them. Americans are not commoners; they are equals.
The good thing is that the writer can get on a plane any day and go to the United Kingdom, where her dream is already in place. In fact, I wish she would put her money where her mouth is and go.
— Stubborn Yankee
I meant only to entertain Jane’s insight into many Americans’ obsession with the British royal family. I regret not expressly stating that I don’t endorse monarchy in the USA. I hope this clears that up.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators. com.
ACROSS
1 Sound from
Rover 4 Quite anxious 11 Canada’s most
populous prov. 14 Corporate VIP 15 Pudding choice 16 Canada’s least
populous prov. 17 Mess up 18 *Sci-fi energy ray
that grabs ships 20 Set of guidelines, as for grading papers 22 Big stretch of
time 23 Pay to play 24 Tattle 25 Cheer on 27 __ Moines 28 Hailed car 30 Sign before
Virgo 31 “Then what
happened?” 33 Sang 29-Down 35 Tattle 38 “Joltin’” DiMaggio 39 Puts in new film 40 “Dawg!” 41 Columnist
Landers 42 Sees right
through 43 Salt Lake City
athlete 44 Family cat, e.g. 46 In medias __ 47 “Big Brother”
channel 49 Soda can feature 52 Yacht spot 55 Word of lament
for “poor Yorick” 56 __-pitch softball 58 The “U” in
“MVEMJSUN” 59 Small, influential group ... and a hint to the word hidden in each answer to a starred clue 62 Suffix with ranch 63 “Norma __”: Sally
Field film 64 Witty remarks 65 ID on a W-9 form 66 Concorde, e.g.,
briefly 67 Martyred bishop
of Paris 68 “Ha! Told ya!”
DOWN
1 Taiwanese
laptops 2 Syndicated
sitcom, say 3 *Sci-fi classic featuring Robby the Robot 4 Top stories 5 Durable wood 6 Mental health org. 7 Beans go-with 8 *Vessels pulling
water-skiers 9 Budget, in
product names 10 Patriotic women’s
org. 11 *Sign outside a
new store 12 “That’s
awesome!” 13 Sometimes egg-shaped kitchen gadget 19 Diminish 21 Numbered rd. 26 Auto pioneer 28 *Unable to tell red
from green, say 29 Without company 31 “How to Get Away With Murder” actress __ Naomi King 32 “Smoking or __?” 33 French “his” 34 Tokyo, once 36 Word after op or
pop 37 Foot part 39 “Hud” director
Martin 45 Ultimatum word 47 Tender touch 48 Sports __ 49 Socks from the
dryer, hopefully 50 Radii
neighbors 51 Fancy
neckwear 52 Vitamin prefix 53 Rehab center
staffer 54 Synchronously 57 “It’s her __”: relationship ultimatum 60 NFL playmakers 61 Cheat