Oh, he’s going to be there?
My fiancee and I are planning our wedding, which is next spring. We’re so excited to share the day with our loved ones, and we’ve both been pleasantly surprised by how stress-free the planning process has been so far. But we’ve run into a conundrum while working on our list of invitees.
Two of our friends, “Alex” and “Mary,” split up about a year and a half ago. They had been together for seven years, and it was an unhealthy, codependent relationship, so when the breakup finally happened, it was a mess. Mary was devastated. Alex was, admittedly, pretty insensitive about it, but no one is at his best during a breakup.
Alex has moved on and been dating someone else for about a year. Mary hasn’t dated anyone since the breakup and still holds a lot of bitterness against Alex. We were at a friend’s dinner party a few months ago, and Mary stormed out when Alex showed up with the new girlfriend. If she hears that any of us have been in contact with him, she goes on a rant about how much of a “scumbag” he is. She stops short of actually asking us not to talk to him, though.
My fiancee and I really don’t want to deal with any drama on our wedding day, but we want to invite Alex. How should we handle this? Do you think it would be inconsiderate to Mary to have him there? Do you think we’d be setting ourselves up for a big unpleasant scene?
— Cold Feet About Hothead
DEAR COLD » This drama queen needs to know that on your wedding day, her curtain goes down. Have a talk with Mary well in advance to let her know you’re inviting Alex and his girlfriend. She’ll have plenty of time to steel herself for the encounter. Managing expectations keeps emotionally volatile people in check.
If she’s unwilling to give you her word that she’ll be cordial, then she can skip the wedding. But if she really is a true friend, she will understand, put her anger aside and help make your big day a joyous occasion. And in that case, you should sit her next to a cute single groomsman.
DEAR ANNIE » I have a close friend whom I have known for many years. She and I do a lot of activities together, such as going to the movies, the gym or an occasional lunch. As two women will do, we discuss our lives, which can lead to some complaining about a variety of situations.
I have recently noticed a change in her behavior when she reacts to something I have told her, and I am not sure what to do about it.
When I confide to her that I am worried about a certain situation or if I am just venting about something that happened to me that day, she is very quick to either try to solve the problem for me or say something that minimizes my concern about the problem.
What I am looking for in these conversations is an empathetic friend with whom I can share frustrations or concerns. I am not looking for a solution. I am just looking for a sympathetic ear.
I have seen her react to others this way, too, and it can be off-putting and insulting.
Am I being too sensitive? Should I gently let her know how this type of reaction makes the other person feel, or should I let it go?
As I said, we have been friends for years, and I want to keep the friendship. I fear that if I said something, I’d risk losing her as my friend.
— Not Heard in Nebraska
DEAR NOT HEARD » We humans are hard-wired to be problem-solvers. And some people — often those who fear a lack of control in their own lives — have an especially hard time letting anything just be, thinking every problem might be fixed with the tap of their hammer.
It probably hasn’t even occurred to your friend that she could simply listen without giving advice. So do point it out to her. When you just want to vent about something, begin with a disclaimer: “I’m not looking for advice. I just want to vent about this.” If your setting that boundary would cause you to lose her as a friend, then she wasn’t much of a friend to begin with.