Walking my son to school and almost adding years to my life

“Taking a brisk 25-minute walk a day can add seven years to your life, scientists claim.” — The Daily Mail, 8/30/15

••• 1) It was accidental, the decision to start walking my son to school. See, my daughter gets picked up for pre-school 7:20 a.m. to go to one school, but my son’s bus, which goes to another school, doesn’t come until 7:45 a.m. So I asked him if he wanted to walk instead, he said yes, and so that’s what we do now. We walk to school. It’s 1.6 miles round trip, takes about a half hour, and while the walk there isn’t exactly “brisk,” I make sure the walk back is. Sometimes, depending on where I am both geographically and workwise, I’ll try to squeeze in a second walk, this time to pick him up. Add it all together and I’m taking a brisk (at least) 25-minute walk each day, thus gaining 7 years of life. Huzzah! Let’s math it up for a net life gain of +7 years

2) Hey, all this exercise I’m doing now — I wasn’t doing any before this — is great! I’m doing something healthy here! I feel fantastic! As a result, I could probably afford a few extra beers every now again, maybe even some good whiskey. Haven’t had tequila in a while. That would be delicious. Now granted, this extra booze might cost me a year or so, but whatevs. We’re good. Net life gain: +6 years.

3) I live on a main road. Double yellow line and all. And that road is the bulk of the walk. So I nearly had a heart attack the other day when my son (he’s in first grade) let go of my hand to stop and turn around (in an active driveway situation) so that he could pick up — and I swear this is true — a rock. “Jesus Christ! You can’t do that! You’ll get killed! What if there was a car?!” I’m telling you: blood pressure spike, heart attack city. That’s not good. There goes another year, but we’re still in way positive territory. Net life gain: +5 years.

4) “Daddy, who’s Jesus Christ?” asked my half-Jewish, half-Christian son to his agnostic father. Is this what a stroke feels like? I feel a stroke coming on. Net life gain: +4 years

5) So I live on a main road, which means I’m visible to passers-by. My kids are in school, so you get to know all the parents. My job, obviously, puts me in the public eye. As a result, while walking my son to school, I’m like Kim Kardashian in a string bikini walking by a construction site. A lot of honking and waving going on, and so there I am, throwing my hand in the air in a wave-like manner, screaming, “Yo!” to cars as they pass by. It all happens too fast, and thus I have no idea who I’m waving

at and yo-ing to. Not to mention, I’m terrible with names. Probably because I’m a narcissist. And being a narcissist can’t be healthy. Sigh. Net life gain: +3 years.

6) Since I haven’t exercised since the Clinton administration, I’ve had no need for sneakers in my life. I’ve been making this daily walk in flip-flops, which causes my feet to hurt, which in turn causes my lower back to hurt, which in turn causes my

neck to hurt, so I’m walking all cockeyed and this is going to end with me calcium deficient. Oldest story in the book. Net life gain: +2 years.

7) Pro tip: When drivers are making a right hand turn on red, they are not looking to see if there’s a pedestrian coming. They never do. Never. Not once. I’ve been this close to doing the Dustin Hoffman “Hey I’m walking here!” routine. It’s going to happen. Completely stressing me out. Net life gain: +1 year.

8) I may or may not have stopped for a doughnut on the walk back almost

every day. Some things are just best left unsaid. Net life gain: 0 years

9) Has anyone seen my car keys? Net life gain: -1 year.

10) No seriously: Where are my damn keys? I’m hungry and hungover. I need a doughnut. Net life gain: We need to set up an appointment with a life counselor.