The New Jersey way to blow through your $1.6 billion Mega Millions jackpot

And now, a 12-point plan on how to properly spend the $1.6 billion Mega Millions jackpot, New Jersey-style. (And yes, I know you’re not going to get the whole $1.6 billion, but you’re also not going to win either, so zippa your lippa and let me have my fun. Thanks.)

1) Hire Drea De Matteo for $50,000 to follow you around for the day pretending to be her “Sopranos” character, Adriana La Serva, while you pretend to be her boyfriend, Christopher Moltisanti, and melt a little bit each time she calls you “Christophah.” (Or just run into her at Sesame Place and embarrass yourself by asking her to do it, like this stunad once did.) CASH LEFT: $1,599,950,000

2) Buy everyone in New Jersey a pork roll, egg, and cheese on a hard roll. It’s $5.40 at Pat’s Diner, so multiply that by 9 million residents, and you’ve got an order (not including tip) that comes to a shade over $48 million. CASH LEFT: $1,551,350,000.

2A) I want you do understand what just happened: You just bought 9 million people a sandwich and spent only about 3 percent of your total winnings. This is not going to be easy.

3) Write Phil Murphy a personal check for $100,000 with the memo reading, “Buy yourself a little something, you poor bastard!” CASH LEFT: $1,551,250,000

4) Throw every adult in Mercer County $1,000, just to be a good neighbor. Cost comes to a shade under $300 million, but it’s a nice thing to do. CASH LEFT: $1,255,804,000.

4A) To recap so far: We’ve given everyone in the county a grand, everyone in the state breakfast, got Drea De Matteo for the day, and threw shade at Murphy. And we still have over $1.2 billion left.

5) Offer every north Jerseyan $10 to fuggedabout “Taylor ham” and to only refer to it henceforth and forever more as “pork roll.” Figure $20 million should get this done and the debate is settled forever. CASH LEFT: $1,223,580,400.

6) Keep Chris Christie on retainer to holler at anyone you feel deserves to be hollered at. Because love him or hate him, no one hollers like Christie. We’re going to need him on a whim, so let’s throw $10 million at him to guarantee it. We can keep him around like The Gimp in “Pulp Fiction.” CASH LEFT: $1,222,580,400.

7) Destroy every circle, roundabout, and jughandle in the state and replace them with wider roads complete with turn-only lanes. Do this, and you’d become an actual Jersey deity. How many circles and the like are there in New Jersey? I don’t know. I’d hire someone to investigate. Figure doing this will cost $222,580,400, as it cost roughly $2 million to build the new Whitehorse Circle. Rough estimate. Puts us with a billion dollars left.

7A) So far: No more traffic circles, Chris Christie locked in your basement, Taylor ham removed from our lexicon, a grand to all your neighbors, breakfast for the state, being a jerk to Murphy, and a day with Drea. And you still have a billion dollars left.

8) Re-create your afterprom weekend at Seaside Heights and this time don’t be a wimp and go for second base with _____, she let you get to first with ease, what’s the worst that could happen, she says no? Or maybe this one is just me. Cost: Let’s call it a million. CASH LEFT: $999,000,000.

9) Highway signage that would create borders for what is, and what is not, “Central Jersey.” Again, probably a million or so. CASH LEFT: $998,000,000.

10) Having a fully-operational Wawa on your property, only for your use: I really have no idea how much this would cost, with staffing, inventory, what have you. Let’s call it $100 million over the course of the rest of your life. CASH LEFT: $898,000,000.

11) Buy a beach: Or at least a half-mile or so of beach. As in go to Beach Haven or Belmar or whichever town is your favorite and buy up all the property on a stretch of beach to create your own little oceanfront fortress. Let’s put this at, what, another $100 million? (It is not easy to spend this much money. I’m exhausted. Gotta speed this up.) CASH LEFT: $798,000,000.

12) Accidentally fall in love with Snooki, get divorced from wife, settle with ex-wife, open up a doomed chain of Trenton tomato pie restaurants called “Snooki Pies,” get kidnapped in the Pine Barrens, get sued after getting in a fist fight over the “sauce vs. gravy” debate, divorce Snooki, settle with Snooki, close some GWB access lanes in Fort Lee just for kicks, hire Bruce Springsteen to play the opening strains of “Thunder Road” each morning as an alarm clock, marry a random “Real Housewife of New Jersey, divorce a random “Real Housewife of New Jersey,” settle with random “Real Housewife of New Jersey,” get tattoo that reads “Jerzey 4Eva!” on the small of your back. Taken together, roughly $798,000,000. CASH LEFT: Well, that was fun while it lasted.

One for everybody!