Four rules to make talking about money with your honey easier

I’m feeling like LeBron James, the Los Angeles Lakers forward who just broke the NBA’s all-time scoring record.

I’m at the top of my game, and my biggest win: 31 years of financial harmony in my marriage.

I’m so grateful I married my money soul mate. He’s also a great money manager, and most of all — what makes him so sexy — he’s a penny-pincher, too.

We rarely fight about money. When we do have what we call “intense fellowships” about our finances, it’s usually because I’m scared to spend — even for things that we need or have saved to purchase.

We’ve had our share of problems, but early in our marriage, my husband suggested some guidelines by which we could settle disagreements. We call them “House Rules.”

One example: If someone is watching a television program, the other can’t come into the room and change the channel. (There’s also a sub-rule that allows for short bathroom breaks.) Silly? Maybe. But every day any of us leaves our home, there are rules society expects us to obey. So why shouldn’t we establish guidelines within our relationships to dampen the drama, especially around finances, which can be a very hot topic?

Studies show one of the top issues that can derail a marriage is money. But, as therapists like to point out, the underlying cause of friction is the emotional baggage that people drag into the relationship.

Experience can be a great teacher, so I’d like to share four House Rules that have helped keep financial peace in my marriage:

RULE NO.1: COMMIT TO BEING TRANSPARENT >>

Every penny spent or earned should be disclosed. No secrets.

A recent Bankrate survey found that nearly 40% of U.S. adults who are married, in a civil partnership or living together have committed financial infidelity. Younger adults were most likely to keep financial secrets, including 63% of Gen Z (ages 18 to 26) and 54% of millennials (27 to 42).

The undercover activity included hiding purchases, not disclosing all income, secret bank accounts, and credit card debt. Many people admitted to spending they knew would upset a partner.

Fifty-two percent of U.S. adults equate fiscal infidelity with physical cheating, according to the Bankrate survey.

“I think it just goes to show how emotional and personal money can be,” said Ted Rossman, senior industry analyst at Bankrate.

“I hear stories about people who apply for a mortgage or a car loan,” he said, “and it comes out during the credit check process, and it’s like: ‘What’s this account? What’s this debt?’ That’s just a really uncomfortable path to go down.”

Trust lost is hard to regain. Remember this: What’s done in the dark will eventually be brought to light.

Even if you decide to keep separate bank accounts, be open about your finances. Separate accounts don’t have to come with secrecy.

“It’s hard enough to meet your financial goals when you’re pulling in the same direction,” Rossman said. “It’s just that much harder if you’re pulling in opposite directions.”

If you want some financial independence, put some parameters around the amount going into a separate account. For instance, a couple may agree to allot themselves fun money, which can be spent at their discretion.

“I just worry about the undisclosed kind of squirreling money away,” Rossman said. “That’s when I think it becomes more problematic.”

RULE NO. 2: COMMUNICATE REGULARLY >>

My husband and I teach a class on mastering money in your marriage. Couples are asked to create a net-worth statement to get an overview of their family’s financial health. Your net worth is the value of all assets minus all your liabilities.

We urge couples to update their net-worth statements regularly. If you don’t like what you see — such as a negative or low net worth — work together to improve your finances, such as paying off debt.

Bankrate has an online networth calculator with definitions to help you identify your assets and liabilities.

RULE NO. 3: COME UP WITH A CODE >>

You need to have a plan that will de-escalate disagreements.

My husband and I decided we would buzz each other if we violated any House Rule.

Initially, we took an actual buzzer from a board game: Break a rule and you’d get buzzed. That lasted for just a few arguments, because one of us — me — wanted to throw the buzzer out the window. The sound was too annoying. Now we just make a softer buzzing sound when a rule is violated. It often breaks the tension, because we end up laughing at being buzzed.

Together, think of a sound or phrase to help when things get heated. Find something that amuses you both. One couple came up with “toe jam” as their cooling-down code phrase. Cracked them up every time. And that, in turn, calmed things down.

RULE NO. 4: CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER >>

Your partner ought to be your financial best friend. Share all your fears and frustrations about money. Talk about your goals.

But for your spouse to feel comfortable sharing, you must establish a safety zone. Be respectful at all times. Listen more than you talk. You’ve got one mouth and two ears for a reason.

No union is perfect, but with rules in place and a commitment to peaceful, truthful interaction, you’ll have many more wins than losses.