Why report #MeToo moments?
Responding to questions about whether women should confront long-ago unwanted sexual experiences, when I was a teenager (I’m female), I experienced my share of illicit kisses, inappropriate gestures and sexual innuendos. Today’s climate makes women think they should consider bringing these old activities to light. For what purpose?
My thoughts are that words, caresses and even kisses (if not of a violent nature) are not that big a deal. Human beings are animals (biologically), and sex is a powerful drive. Teens ooze hormones.
Our animal natures drive us to kissing, touching and talking about “forbidden” stuff.
Only if something seriously coercive in the past involved restraint, physical injury or threat of terror would I waste time trying to rectify it now. As the old saying goes, “You live and you learn.”
— Older and Wiser
Dear Amy:
If your youthful sexual experiences didn’t bother you then and don’t bother you now, then lucky you! However, you may be conflating “hormonal” teen activity, which would be consensual, with other “illicit” activity (“forbidden” or illegal).
You shouldn’t feel pressured to confront or report something that happened many years ago, unless you suspect the person who was sexual with you would have gone on to actually victimize someone else — someone who lacked your resiliency or who didn’t consent.
Dear Older:
Then you would be morally obligated to confront and report it.
Women are coming forward now because they/we are, basically, mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. Back in the day, many parents, teachers, clergy, etc., reflected the prevailing culture and silenced girls so well that girls pretty much silenced themselves.
I believe that many women are inspired by their experiences as parents to try to ensure that their children experience sexuality free of force or coercion. This includes the freedom to experiment and make mistakes, and the responsibility to face the consequences stemming from their actions.
Finding and using one’s voice is the gateway to personal power and selfesteem, and to compassion. Even if you choose not to report, you shouldn’t judge those who do.
I went to a party that a co-worker was throwing. I got really drunk and made out with her ex (not knowing that he was her ex). Before making out with him, I asked a girlfriend, who was there, if this guy was good people and she said yes.
The next day, I found out he was my coworker’s ex. I sent my co-worker a message right away, apologizing. She replied that it was a wild night and not to worry. I thought we were good, but I just heard that she is still mad at me. Everyone at work knows about it. What should I do?
— Worried
Dear Amy:
As the holiday season approaches, let your question ring a cautionary note: The impact of behavior at work-related parties will outlast any
Dear Worried:
hangover.
I love your instinct to ask your friend if this guy was “good people” before making out with him, although asking this question while drunk skews the results of the survey.
You gain nothing by drawing further attention to your behavior, but you could ask your co-worker (in person), “I know I apologized about my behavior with your ex, but are you sure you’re OK?”
After that, let it lie.
“Guilty” wrote to you describing a hellish childhood with a mother who was physically and emotionally abusive, as well as sexually exploitative of her children. All these years later, Guilty and his siblings want to try to do something about this. Their elderly mother is active in her church.
Your response was thorough and correct — until you said, “If your main impulse is to ruin her reputation in her church community, then I don’t think you should do so.”
Why should they care about her reputation?
— Upset
Dear Amy:
I cautioned this group to contact clergy, especially if there was any possibility that their mother had contact with children there. Otherwise, I considered the possibility that being part of a spiritual community might be an important factor keeping her from harming others.
Dear Upset:
Copyright 2018 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency Send questions via e-mail to askamy@amydickinson .com or by mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.