DON’T ASK ME Requesting free help is not the way to build a business relationship

There’s been a big change in my inbox over the last decade and I bet you’ve noticed it as well. Every day I receive messages from people asking me to do something for them for free. Ninety-nine percent of them are strangers I’ve never heard of. Some of them get straight to the point. “I want to write a book. Please give me some advice about how to get started.” Others are vague about what they’re really looking for. “I think there’s some synergy between what we do. Let’s jump on a phone call.”

Sometimes, they imply that they want to do something that’s mutually beneficial. “Let’s team up!” Some people want free writing or editing assistance.

A few go so far as to say, “Let’s schedule a call so we can build a relationship.” But I know there’s an agenda behind their desire to “build a relationship.”

And a few are even insulting. “I really like that article you wrote the other day, but you overlooked something big in your argument. I’d like to contribute to your next piece because I can help you make it better.”

I suspect many of these people read articles and books or listen to podcasts that encourage them to ask for things because, you never know, now and then someone will say yes. And while it’s true that you might get some people to agree to your requests, you’re also paying a price for asking.

Sure, you may occasionally strike gold. You reach out to a journalist who replies and says, “Tell me more.” You may get a reply if you offer

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something that seems valuable or you might get an influencer to agree to review your product.

But, if you’re only getting one “yes” every 100 times you ask, you’re paying a price for that rare opportunity. You’re likely repelling tons of people.

Of course, you have to lose some to gain some. And it’s important to make a strong impression.

When you’re writing a blog post, polarizing can be good. It evokes strong emotions that stir up conversations and bring you attention.

But asking strangers to share their time and audiences with you is different. You risk repelling people before they have even had a chance to get to know you.

Some of these people might have turned out to be your biggest fans.

But you take away that opportunity when you spam their inboxes and turn them off from hearing more.

I have a friend who has become friends with several celebrities and top journalists through Twitter. She didn’t send a tweet asking they do anything for her. Instead, she sent a tweet that started a conversation.

Had she led by asking for something, she may have ruined her chances and missed out on great opportunities.

Seek to establish relationships with people. If your relationship ever lends itself to asking for something, go for it.

But don’t start with asking someone for something. That won’t work. No one likes feeling used.

And, if you have friends who ask you to perform a service for them for free, make it clear that you get paid for your work or that the task should be performed by someone else. Politely emphasize that this is a business transaction, not something that springs forth from friendship.

You might say, “I’d be happy to give you some names of other people I trust so you can decide.”

When you’re seeking to make new professional friends, develop genuine relationships. If you’re going to give something, make it something useful to the other person if you want to establish a connection.

Rather than send a copy of your book only to ask him or her to promote it, send something that person might appreciate. Or, offer to connect him or her to someone who may help down the road if you’re looking to establish a true relationship.

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, a lecturer at Northeastern University and a mental strength trainer.