How not to give a compliment: ‘Nice wig!’
I’m in a dance class with a woman who wears a different wig every week. She looks great in them and clearly likes to change up her look. I want to compliment her because she deserves it, but I don’t want to say, “I love your hair,” since it’s obviously not her hair. And it seems rude to say, “That wig looks great on you,” since she may not want to admit it’s not her hair. (I don’t know her that well but am on friendly terms.) Can you give me a few phrases to use that don’t sound awkward?
— Roni T.
Dear Answer Angel Ellen:
Everyone loves a compliment, so you are absolutely right to want to say something positive to her. But what? How about something as simple as, “I admire how you always look so nice at every class.” Maybe follow up with, “I wish I could look so put together all the time the way you do.” You’re always safe with a generic compliment.
I was reminded of this recently when I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. I blurted out, “Wow, you’ve lost weight,” which was absolutely the wrong thing to say, since it could be interpreted as “You were too fat before.” I was kicking myself. What I should have said is, “You look fantastic,” and left it up to her to explain — if she wanted to — “I’ve been working out” or “I’ve lost 15 pounds” or whatever. That lets her decide how much she wants to reveal about her regimen.
I will never forget when I ran into a well-known politician I had not seen for many years, and the first thing he said was, “Ellen, you got fat.” How to respond to that? That was decades ago, and I still recall the humiliating encounter vividly. Then there was the boss who asked me “When is the baby due?” when my baby was 4 months old. Never, ever assume a woman with a noticeable stomach is pregnant. And do not comment on it.
Dear Roni:
I’m fed up with the pilling on my sweaters. It is not just the bargain brands. No matter what the cost, some of my sweaters have fuzz balls that I can’t get rid of. Any suggested solutions?
— Veronica M.
Dear Answer Angel Ellen:
There was a time that battery-operated fabric or sweater “shavers” — gizmos with a whirling blade under some sort of protective net designed to remove pills and fuzz — were popular. I don’t see them so often now. I never found one that really did the job, which is probably why they’re no longer on every store shelf.
Dear Veronica:
Some people swear by a “sweater stone,” which is a natural pumice stone for your fabrics. I haven’t tested them yet but welcome reports from readers on their experience. Amazon.com offers a variety of sweater stone options starting at around $7. Hand-washing sweaters — especially delicate silk and cashmere — in baby shampoo to help prevent pilling is another alternative.
Dear Answer Angel Ellen:
Please help! Our daughter is getting married, and the wedding will be small because that’s what we can afford. The problem is that we are having people sending back RSVPs and adding addi- tional people we didn’t invite — like their date or extended family. So far there are a dozen people planning to attend who did not receive an invitation. This is putting a lot of additional stress on me and my husband, and my daughter and her fiance.
— Distressed Mother of the Bride
Good manners dictate that you should include spouses and fiances on the invitations. As for guests’ children or boyfriend or girlfriend of the moment? Nope. For guidance, I turned to Emily Post (emily post.com), my go-to on thorny etiquette questions.
Dear M.O.B.:
It’s not easy, but you’ll need to call all the folks who think they can bring uninvited guests with them and deliver the bad news. Start out with a cheery positive comment like, “Lulabelle, we’re so looking forward to seeing you at the wedding!” then bring down the hammer, nicely but firmly. “We’re so sorry that we can’t accommodate (her boyfriend; the cousins; her kids).”
You don’t have to give any additional info about your cash flow unless you want to. Even bare-bones weddings can be expensive, and the cost per guest keeps going up.
Weddings are stressful enough without these worries. I’m so sorry you have to deliver the bad news. Enlist your husband in making some of those phone calls to share the burden. She’s his daughter too!
Angelic readers 1
Ron B. writes, “‘Toni T.’ asked if there was any real difference between upscale hair products and the more economic brands. My wife worked for several years for a reseller of chemicals to the cosmetics industry; a very large number of the big and smaller producers were their clients. The sales reps, all of whom had a degree in chemistry, regularly said that the everyday products, with few exceptions, were every bit as good as the expensive brands. Both were composed of virtually the same ingredients, in varying amounts and combinations, with virtually the same — if any — results.”
Angelic readers 2
From Marge M.: “In response to Elaine K.’s question … having spent decades trying to pick apart my eyelashes from clumpy mascara, I finally found the answer: They’re Real! Tinted Lash Primer by Benefit (Ulta, Sephora; amazon.com, $19.40 and up). It simply tints your lashes and has no lengtheners or thickeners, therefore no clumping.”
Now it’s your turn
Send your questions, rants, tips, favorite finds — on style, shopping, makeup, fashion and beauty — to answerangelellen@gmail.com.