Uncle should address niece’s boyfriend’s rude behavior
Amy Dickinson
My parents spend winters in warmer climates. Their return home will coincide with a family get-together at their house. In attendance will be my 20-something niece and her boyfriend — whose behavior needs improvement. He’s a nice guy, but he is evidently unaware of how to carry himself thoughtfully.
At my parents’ 60th wedding anniversary party, for example, he and my niece occupied the only prime space, directly across from my parents, using my parents as a backdrop for their make-out session.
I would have preferred those two seats be occupied by my brother and me, so we could be physically close to my parents during this celebration of their marriage. At Christmas at my parents’ house, my niece’s boyfriend occupied/reserved the front of the buffet line while everyone else helped to prepare it. He stood there (literally) wiping his dripping nose with his fingers and then transferring those drippings to the serving utensil he picked up immediately afterward.
I’m afraid if I say anything (praise in public, coach in private) my youngest brother will hear, go ballistic and temporarily avoid family functions, which would devastate my 80-year-old mother. Can anything be done?
— Upset Uncle
Dear Amy:
It is the aunt/ uncle’s time-honored prerogative to offer gentle suggestions to clueless
Dear Uncle:
young-adult nieces/nephews. This is not parenting. This is uncle-ing. And so, if the couple is sitting where you believe you and your brother should be sitting, you say, “Hi guys, would you mind moving over two chairs so my brother and I can sit next to our parents?”
In terms of buffet hoarding (a pet peeve of mine), in our large family we have one or more elders lead a blessing before the serving, acknowledge and thank the people who prepared the food, and then say: “Let’s let the older people go through the line first, so they can get themselves situated. Then the rest of us can go through.”
I can’t speak to your brother’s choice to go ballistic. You are not offering judgments; you are merely demonstrating some leadership.
The best grocery in my town has great made-to-order sandwiches at an excellent price. I have been effusive in my praise and thanks to the woman at the counter who is always there in the early morning when I typically place my order.
Over time, her attitude has changed visibly; it is clear she is unhappy to see me and to make the sandwich. Once I realized that my order interrupts her morning prep work, I minimized those requests. On several occasions, I’ve even apologized to her for placing the order. But recently I ordered a sandwich later in the day and got the same unfriendly response. And now I have begun to wonder whether this is her problem or mine.
There is no restriction posted on when a sandwich can be ordered. What do I do? Say something to her? Say something to the manager? Stop ordering a sandwich?
Dear Amy:
I don’t want to do anything to hurt this person at her job, as I see she works very hard and I am sympathetic to her. But there is something upside down about this and I don’t know what to do.
— Sandwich Guy
The only problem I see is that you are apologizing for patronizing a local business, and cheerfully and respectfully asking someone to do her job.
If you order this same thing every day (it sounds as if you do), then the person working there should anticipate this. If you are courteous (it sounds as if you are), then the person working there should respond in kind. Is she grouchy toward everyone? Have you also seen the legendary “Soup Nazi” episode of “Seinfeld”? Viewing this might help put this episode into perspective.
Likely her demeanor has nothing to do with you. Order and enjoy.
Dear Sandwich Guy:
I was disgusted by the question from “Upset,” whose husband insisted on texting while driving. I wish you had suggested to her that she might enjoy visiting her husband in jail after he causes a tragic accident.
— Disgusted
Dear Amy:
The high volume of responses to this question demonstrates how worried people are about sharing the road with distracted drivers.
Dear Disgusted:
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@amydickinson .com or by mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
I joined a committee at work that meets quarterly to decide where our company’s charitable contributions will go. The group (usually six people) meets off-site at a restaurant, has lunch and then gets to work.
At the first meeting I attended, I placed my order and, when the food arrived and everybody got their plates, I started to eat. Within moments, I heard a throat-clearing noise and then noticed nobody was eating. A co-worker had sent her food back and we were supposed to wait until her food came back before we ate, as she said it would be rude to eat in front of her while she had nothing to eat.
So while her food would be fresh and hot when it came back, my burger and fries, and everyone else’s food, would be lukewarm at best. Later, another co-worker told me not to worry about it too much, as at about every meal when they go out, this woman finds something minor wrong with her meal, sends it back, and expects everybody not to eat until after she has her remade meal.
What is the proper etiquette?
Dear Miss Manners:
A solution that comes to mind is to do the work in the office. But Miss Manners realizes this is nowadays considered too radical an idea.
Since you were the only one eating, she infers that the more experienced co-worker who told you “not to worry” was advis
Gentle reader: