Ghosted friend looks for explanation, struggles to cope
Amy Dickinson
Two years ago, a very close friend of 20 years ghosted me. I called, texted and emailed her and didn’t get a reply. When I ran into her weeks later and asked for an explanation, she said, “You have nothing to apologize for,” yet she couldn’t compose an explanation because “it was too horrendous and hurtful.”
To me, her statement contradicted my not having anything to apologize for. There was no incident before the ghosting, so I did not know why she has behaved this way. She concluded by saying, “I think we should go our separate ways.”
I stopped going to a performance series that she, a mutual friend and I attended together because it’s a small audience and seeing her would bring up my hurt. She continued to go. I’ve run into her a couple of times since then. She didn’t seem embarrassed. I feel terrible.
Now she’s joining my church, so I’ll be running into her now and then. If she’d join the church she knows I attend, she apparently feels no awkwardness. I’d rather not even acknowledge her when I see her, but that seems inappropriate in church. I’ve thought about talking to a clergyperson but expect the counsel would be to forgive. Maybe I haven’t forgiven if I’m upset again, but she wasn’t on my mind much until the expectation of seeing her arose.
If I stay away from church events, I’m acting like a guilty person, but I don’t know what I’m
Dear Amy:
guilty of doing. But I don’t want to have any kind of interaction with her, even a chat during coffee hour. So, Amy, how do I handle this?
Don’t avoid clergy counsel simply because you anticipate what you will hear; pursue it. You must find a way to process this. Your former friend has behaved unkindly by dropping you so suddenly and refusing an explanation.
You should be honest with her now. Tell her, “I admit to being hurt and bewildered by your behavior. I’m trying to forgive you for dumping me and I want to move on, but your refusal to communicate about why you ended the friendship has made moving on even more challenging for me.”
That’s it. You simply speak your truth, without the expectation of any specific response or outcome. And then, yes, you work on the forgiveness. Granting forgiveness is a personal and spiritual challenge. Forgiving her will liberate you as well as deepen your faith practice.
My theory about this — for what it is worth — is that she (not you) has done something unethical or embarrassing and she would rather bury it than deal with it.
Dear Hurt:
I was recently taken out to lunch for my birthday. On the way back, my friend said, “Next time is on you!”
Am I old-school, or was that really inappropriate?
— Bemused Birthday
Dear Amy:
I don’t think your pal’s exclamation was inappropriate, just clunky. Ideally, the script would have been flipped. After the meal, you would’ve thanked your friend and exclaimed,
Dear Bemused:
“Next time is on ME!” Your pal created some awkwardness, but this should not affect your memory of the generosity, or your gratitude for it.
The letter from “Nervous Nelly” describing her postpartum anxiety resonated with me. Unlike Nervous Nelly, I was never anxious until I had my child. Some days I couldn’t even leave the house with him as I was consumed with fear. Attempts to ask fellow moms if they ever felt this way led to side eyes and incredulous looks, and left me feeling very alone.
I urge Nervous Nelly to seek professional help. Therapy, combined with an antidepressant, saved my life and made me a more secure and happy mom! She is definitely not alone!
— No Longer Nervous
Dear Amy:
In responding to this question, I detailed my struggle with postpartum anxiety. One of the most challenging aspects of this experience was the shame of not feeling “normal,” “natural” or possibly even ready for motherhood.
Other parents who had never experienced this made me feel even worse. Thank goodness my mother — and my partner — were so compassionate toward me at that time. My anxiety lifted gradually, but yes, any woman experiencing this should pursue treatment immediately.
Dear No Longer:
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@amydickinson .com or by mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.