How to be more likable Hint: It’s not all about you
In most business encounters, we want to be liked by the people we meet. We want to make a good first impression.
But those first few moments are tough, especially if you're relatively shy.
Fortunately, science has a simple answer. According to a Harvard study, asking questions and then asking follow-up questions dramatically increases likability.
As the authors note: We converse with others to learn what they know — their information, stories, preferences, ideas, thoughts, and feelings — as well as to share what we know while managing others' perceptions of us.
People who ask more questions are perceived as higher in responsiveness, an interpersonal construct that captures listening, understanding, validation and care.
Or, in non-researcher-speak, showing genuine interest in others and allowing them to talk about what interests them will make you much more likable.
That's partly because people love to talk about themselves, and even if they don't, they can't help it.
Research shows that approximately 40% of everyday speech is spent telling other people what we think or feel — basically, talking about our subjective experiences. (Not just that you took a spin class last night, but whether you liked the spin class. And whether you liked the instructor. And the studio. And the other people in the class.
You get the idea.)
In fact, we almost can't help sharing our thoughts and feelings.
Research also shows that talking about ourselves, whether in person or on social media, triggers the same pleasure sensation in the brain as money or food. Self-disclosure causes increased activity in brain regions associated with the sense of reward and satisfaction from money, food and even sex.
By helping people talk about themselves, you're seen as a great conversationalist, even when you actually say very little.
And in the process, you also make other people feel better about themselves, which makes them like you.
The Harvard researchers write: In particular, asking questions that follow up on the other person's responses may cause and convey better listening, understanding, validation and care.
Fortunately, asking follow-up questions is easy, even if you lead with the standard, “What do you do?” Simply shift from “what?” to “why?” or “how?”
As soon as you learn a little about someone, ask how they did it. Or why they did it. Or how it felt. Or what made it hard. Or what they liked about it, or what they learned from it, or what you should do if you're in a similar situation.
No one receives too much recognition. Ask genuine follow-up questions and you implicitly show you respect the other people's opinions, and, by extension, that you respect them.
We all like people who respect us, if only because it shows they have great judgment.
Because science shows that people focus mostly on themselves during conversations, the Harvard researchers determined that most people also don't realize the effect of asking questions on likability.
“Neglecting to ask questions altogether may happen because people are egocentric — focused on expressing their own thoughts, feelings and beliefs with little or no interest in hearing what another person has to say.”
If you turn the focus on the other person — if you ask follow-up questions that show you're genuinely interested in not just what people do, but how they feel, what motivates them, what engages them, what makes them tick — then you'll not only come across as more likable, you'll also stand out because you're doing something most others do not.
And best of all, you'll likely build a foundation for a genuine business relationship.
The race to the bottom for fund fees has finally hit, well, bottom.
Two exchange-traded funds that launched at the beginning of April charge 0% in expense ratios, at least for the first 14 months. Another ETF, awaiting Securities and Exchange Commission review, could initially cost less than zero.
The just-launched free ETFs come from online lender SoFi. The firm will waive each of the funds' 0.19% annual expense ratio until at least June 2020. SoFi Select 500 (symbol SFY) focuses on growing, large-company U.S. stocks; SoFi Next 500 (SFYX) homes in on shares of midsize and smaller U.S. firms.
Center for Financial Research & Analysis analyst Todd Rosenbluth thinks the funds will remain free for more than one year. “Either the funds will be successful and the 0 percent fee will be extended, or they won't and the products will shut down,” he says.
Meanwhile, relative newcomer Salt Financial is awaiting SEC approval of a low-volatility U.S. stock ETF that would essentially pay its shareholders to invest, at least for a while.
Through April 30, 2020, the adviser says it will waive its 0.29% fee and contribute the annualized equivalent of 0.05 percent on assets, up to $50,000 per year, to the assets of the fund. That means that for every $10,000 invested in the fund, Salt would put in another $5 to boost the value of the fund's shares.
Both Salt and SoFi have come late to the ETF party, so they are hungry for business as ETFs become more popular in investor portfolios. According to Charles Schwab, ETFs made up 33.5 percent of investors' portfolios in 2018, up from 20.8 percent in 2015.
“Firms are eager to participate in this growing market, and they are willing to waive fees to do so,” says Rosenbluth.
Investors should note that fees in the new ETFs are waived only temporarily. More importantly, fees (or the lack thereof ) aren't everything. Before investors buy in, they should examine a fund's strategy, its underlying index and how it fits with the rest of their portfolio.
More no-fee ETFs may come along, but they won't become the norm, predicts Rosenbluth. Nellie S. Huang is a senior associate editor at Kiplinger’s Personal Finance magazine. Send your questions and comments to moneypower@kiplinger.com.