Etiquette is not suspended, even during an emergency
Minding other people’s business, which has always been a major etiquette hazard, has taken on the noble mantle of ministering to public health. To the extent that people are out and about, there are also vigilantes who are vehemently scolding strangers, if not making citizens’ arrests.
The rationale is that etiquette is suspended in an emergency.
Well, yes and no. Miss Manners does not quibble with suspending the rule against shouting at strangers when the occasion arises to shout, “Help!” But that is a request, however urgent, and not an insult.
In the opposite situation, when one seems to be in danger from others, tact is required — for the sake of being effective, as well as respectful.
We all know the rules about staying home when sick, keeping our distance and washing our hands. They must be enforced.
But that does not give license to the sort of people who, under normal conditions, would be telling you that you are too fat or too thin, that you should get married or divorced, that you should change jobs or retire, and have or stop having children.
What they are doing now is summarily ordering people to go home, without knowledge of why they are out. Even strict lockdowns recognize the need to buy food and medicine, to exercise and to tend to those in severe need.
And never mind that those disciplinarians are outside themselves, or they
Gentle reader:
wouldn’t be within shouting distance.
We all also know that coughing can be lethal. But as any performer can tell you, there are plenty of coughs that don’t harm others, but may arise from asthma, acid reflux or allergies. Targeting such people as public enemies is as unhelpful as it is mean. Yes, even at symphony concerts.
But what about those who actually are breaking the basic rules? Then it takes tact to be effective. Reforming strangers works only when it assumes mistaken goodwill (“I think we need more distance here — that’s not 6 feet”) and allows them to comply without enduring public embarrassment. Even if they deserve to be ashamed of themselves.
My husband has long phone conversations with his kids, cousins and siblings — every day. They used to be regular phone calls, then he switched to speakerphone, now it’s virtual conferences.
I was never a part of these calls previously, but now he feels I should be chiming in, at least for a little while. I’m an introvert, not very close to his family and uncomfortable with this new normal. Am I being rude? Should I reach out and let them know how I feel about this?
Dear Miss Manners:
Telling them that you don’t enjoy talking with them? Yes, that would be rude at any time. During a crisis, when families feel the need to be especially close, it would be cruel. Could you imagine saying such a thing if they were visiting in person?
Miss Manners is not condemning you to lengthy virtual gatherings. Just pop by the monitor, ask how everyone is, and assume a look of regret when you
Gentle reader:
say, “I’m afraid I have to excuse myself” — no explanation necessary or advisable.
My partner, my sister and my best friend all seem to think it’s OK to interrupt me when I’m saying something. I was taught that it is extremely rude to interrupt and try very hard never to interrupt another person who is talking. They all know that it bothers me, but they still do it.
I am rapidly losing my patience and am afraid at some point I’m going to explode. What can I politely say or do to get it across to them that this is not OK with me?
Dear Miss Manners:
One fortunate side effect of physical distancing, Miss Manners hears, is that the technical limitations of web conferencing have forced people to be more conscious of interruption — since two or more cannot easily be heard over one another. Miss Manners is hopeful that this mindfulness will carry over but will not hold her breath.
She suggests that you invoke this rule and practice with your circle: “I am finding it very difficult to hear or talk with all of us going at once. Perhaps we can take turns and make sure that each of us is finished speaking before the next one starts.” If this fails, Miss Manners suggests that, rather than exploding, you stop talking — turn off your audio, as it were — and see how long it takes for them to notice.
Gentle reader:
To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.