Newlyweds: Husband frets over wife’s male friendship
My wife “Monica” and I are in our 20s. We have been married for a few months, and we are very happy. I do have one concern, though, that I can’t seem to get beyond.
Since her senior year in college, Monica has been meeting periodically with a male friend who shares her interest in genealogy.
When we married, I just assumed those meetings would either end or they would join a genealogy group with other people.
However, Monica has continued to meet with her friend, and I usually bowl or play cards. We have had a few discussions about the issue and I really want her to objectively see my position.
We are deeply in love, and I know there is absolutely nothing romantic between Monica and her friend. Am I being unreasonable, and should I just accept the situation?
— Torn in Tulsa
Dear Amy:
If you know that there is nothing romantic between your wife and her friend from college, then I fail to see what about this is so troubling to you.
It sounds as if these periodic meetings between your wife and her friend have been going on during most of — and perhaps your entire — relationship. Perhaps you don’t think that married people should have one-on-one meetings with people of the opposite sex.
I think you’ll feel a lot better about your situation
Dear Torn:
if you choose to love your wife enough to trust her, completely. Trust is a choice, and trust can sometimes be a heavy lift.
For now, pretend that you do, act as if you do, and you will experience a liberation from your jealousy about this friendship.
Tell your wife that you’d be happy if she wanted to invite her genealogy friend to your house for their meetings. Say your hellos, serve the two some cheese and crackers, and then go and bowl a strike.
I have a basic understanding of Spanish. I know enough to hold a friendly conversation.
I personally find using a different language to be really fun, when the situation presents itself. However, I’m not sure when it is appropriate to do so.
For example, I know that the cleaning women in my building speak Spanish. Would it be inappropriate for me to say, “Hola, como estas?” when I pass them in the hallway, instead of “Hi, how are you?”
Or when I’m getting takeout and I hear the cashier speaking Spanish, would it be rude to order in Spanish instead of English?
I’m afraid that a white girl going out of her way to speak a different language comes across as pretentious. Or worse, like I’m implying that the person doesn’t speak English well enough to interact with me in it.
I just think it’s a beautiful language, and at the very least, it’ll help me get better at it. Do you or your readers have any advice?
— Shylingual
Dear Amy:
I don’t see this as pretentious or as you being judgmental, but more as you being
Dear Shylingual:
open — literally — to “interpretation.” Some people may like this, some may not. Some may privately snicker or answer your question in English.
It seems fairly important, however, that you demonstrate enough competence to understand the response, when someone answers your question: “Como estas?”
I’m interested in what readers have to say.
You frequently receive questions regarding friends and family members whose behavior changes radically. This creates confusion and relationship problems.
My wonderful Momma went from sweet and loving to angry and vicious. She hallucinated about very sexual things: men, fires and water. She physically attacked my dad.
After many years of this behavior, testing and doctor visits, my mother was diagnosed with Lewy body dementia. Nine weeks later, she was gone.
Please, I beg your readers, if your loved one changes drastically, keep fighting for their mental health.
— Still Grieving
Dear Amy:
Lewy body dementia is a devastating illness, which (to my amateur understanding) seems to combine symptoms of Parkinson’s disease and dementia. Notably, Robin Williams was diagnosed with Lewy body dementia after his death by suicide, which has helped to raise awareness.
Dear Grieving:
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, 435 N. Michigan Ave. TT500, Chicago, IL 60611.