It’s not just a house to her

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been in my stepdaughter’s life for12 years, since she was11and I was 23. Obviously, I was never really a mother figure, but “Dani” and I have always been great friends and remain so after my husband’s death two years ago.

Recently I got a line on a gem of an apartment in a fantastic building. I moved very quickly to buy it since it won’t stay on the market long. Dani is very upset that I’m selling the house and moving to a one-bedroom apartment. I’ve told her she’s welcome to crash on my couch whenever she wants, but she claims I’m selling “her home” out from under her. It’s hardly her home since currently she and her cousin share an apartment owned by her aunt and she still has a room in her mom’s spacious house.

I really don’t want to hurt Dani, but this new apartment is the right place at the right time for me. — Moving

Dear Moving: Dani’s father died and you’re selling her home. That’s just as true for Dani emotionally as it’s true financially that you’re entitled to make this transaction.

But instead of acknowledging Dani’s emotional connection to the house — and, by extension, to her late father — you’re going extremely literal on the idea that she has other shelter so what’s she so upset about? It verges on obtuse, though it doesn’t seem willfully so.

Apologize to Dani. Not for selling the house, but specifically for failing to anticipate her emotional attachment to it, and for not talking her through it with that in mind. Apologize for being so cavalier about her having a spot on your couch, as if that would fix everything.

She may hold onto misplaced anger over your ownership of property itself. But it’s still important to set right the part you got so wrong.

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