Resist urge to bad-mouth ex

Dear Dr. Blackstone: It’s generally known that divorce damages children. I spent months researching when it became obvious my wife was having an affair and was going to dissolve our family. I’ve gone to great lengths to try to protect my wife from their angst, but I cannot control their feelings. She blames me for their occasional harsh words toward her, has accused me of “poisoning” them against her, and has shared that with her family. Now I’m hated for something I haven’t done. I refuse to speak poorly to the boys no matter what she’s done. It hurts to be hated.

Dear Reader: You should know it’s really not your job to protect your wife from your children’s angst. It’s your job to protect your children and reinforce that they are loved by both parents. You don’t have to make excuses for their mother. She can communicate directly with the children — just do your best not to further undermine her now. Here’s why: Your kids are looking for stability and someone they can trust. If you start badmouthing their mother — or even agreeing with them when they say derogatory things, it will further undermine their security. A kid’s logic tells them that the parent who left loved someone else more than they loved them. “Maybe if I was a better kid, she would have loved me enough to stay.” They are not only hurting because their mother left, but they are questioning their own self worth.

So, your job is to be there so your kids know without question they can trust you to stay with them, protect them. Don’t run defense for mom, but don’t pour salt in the wound, either. Put your kids first (Good exetiquette for parents rule #1).