Be cautious with cheating ex?

Dear Carolyn: After a string of failed relationships, I shifted gears and started working on myself. I’m pretty happy with my life now, but I’ve been single for over 20 years.

Recently, an old boyfriend from many years ago contacted me and our long-distance conversations have been delightful. I’m intrigued by this unexpected new possibility.

I also feel extremely cautious. Our past relationship ended because he cheated. He has now revealed he had an affair as his marriage was falling apart, and he continued that affair for some time, despite being “friends” with the woman’s husband. He also says that affair ended several years ago.

I know I’m right to be cautious, given this pattern. And yet there is a spark with this old flame that I’m really enjoying. How do I proceed with a heart open to new possibilities while still protecting myself from his old patterns? — Intrigued but Cautious

Dear Intrigued but Cautious:

The shortest distance between those two points is to assume he’ll do it again, to you.

No guessing, no fretting, no wondering what he’s up to. Expect he’ll have someone(s) else. Conduct your relationship accordingly.

Now ask yourself: Can you do that? Can you enjoy companionship for the sake of it, without promise of commitment or exclusivity or, in his case, any hope he’ll change?

I actually think you’re wrong to be cautious. “Cautious” implies something can be done safely.

Anyway, if you’re not equipped for danger, then stick to lounging poolside. No shame in that. The value in any choice is not absolute; it’s in how well you know yourself, and how well your choices suit you.

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