Showering grandchildren with gifts can cause trouble

I knew I had touched a nerve when even my own mother felt compelled to weigh in about my column — against me.

The topic of that particular Kids & Money column years ago: Should you buy your teen a car? The column tackled the excessive cost of college and whether it was worth going into extreme debt.

The column also sparked conversation about grandparents showering their grandchildren with nifty presents.

My basic message was this: Grandma and Grandpa certainly should feel free to purchase special gifts for the grandkids. So many grandparents look forward to doing this. But they should keep the gift-giving under control. In short, don’t spoil your grandkids rotten.

Never in my nearly 20 years of writing this column have I received so much feedback, mostly people saying “how dare you infringe on my grandparent rights!” I know my mother, God bless her, wasn’t pleased with my advice.

Now, as a member of the grandparents club three times over, I more clearly understand how much gratification grandparents receive from buying stuff for the grandkids. At the same time, all that buying is not always healthy and can lead to some awkward moments between family members, especially if two sets of grandparents are involved.

On one side, grandparents have good intentions. They often just want to treat the grandkids, and many have the discretionary income to do so. Grams and Pops may also be trying to help out with some special gifts the parents may not be able to afford.

“Grandparents want to create special memories with their grandkids, and a special gift contributes to that,” said Lucas Bucl, a financial planner and principal director of investment management at Aspyre Wealth Partners in Overland Park, Kansas.

Then there are situations where gift-giving can turn into a bit of a competition with another set of grandparents, with neither wanting to be outdone.

At the other extreme, parents are trying their best to raise their kids well, and sometimes lots of gifts may conflict with the values they are trying to teach their children about money.

Parents may also feel “inadequate” or “like they’re missing out” if the big gifts always come from the grandparents, Bucl said.

There needs to be a balance between the satisfaction grandparents derive from buying stuff for the kids and the parents’ right to say enough is enough. Approach the conversation with a sense of gratitude toward your parents and without the kids around — and don’t do it immediately after a gift has been unwrapped.

“That turns a fun experience into a negative one for the gift-giver,” Bucl said.

This is an opportunity for parents to talk to their parents about the money values they are trying to instill in their kids and how some gifts — think gaming systems — may detract from those lessons, said Vickie Fitzgerald, a financial educator in Portland, Oregon, and author of “A Simple Guide to Savings.”

Grandparents should consult with their adult children ahead of time about major purchases. Perhaps there’s not room in the house for more stuff.

Instead of opening your wallet to buy more toys or outfits, suggest alternatives that will still allow the grandparents to make the grandkids feel special, such as contributing to a college savings plan or a favorite charity.

Young children may not appreciate these gifts now, but they will later. And grandma and grandpa can use this as an opportunity to teach junior about saving for education and helping others less fortunate.