Standing up for yourself Time to back off from friend
Dear Carolyn: I am directly responsible for three at-risk family members. But now I have family members asking when “I will allow them to visit” all three. Somehow I’ve been cast as the gatekeeper. Any snappy replies? I have said, “It is up to X,” or, “Please ask X,” but no one is listening. — Gatekeeper
Dear Gatekeeper: “It’s up to X.” Perfect answer. If they keep not listening, then for their stubbornness they will be rewarded with yours: “It’s up to X”— unsnappily stated and restated, for all eternity.
Dear Carolyn: My significant other and I are recently engaged and starting our wedding plans. My fiancée and I are pretty go-with-theflow so we don’t have a lot of experience drawing those boundaries, and just hearing all their opinions that I take as judgment makes me unhappy and anxious. Any advice? — Wedding Stakeholders
Dear Wedding Stakeholders: Decidedly not. Others are responsible for “all of the opinions and requests about our wedding,” which sure look excessive from here. But as the sole — to borrow your word — “stakeholder” in your own feelings, it’s up to you to find a sustainable way to deal internally with external pressure.
Work on your ability to retain your own shape under pressure. The first part is the hard part: accepting that you’re still lovable and worthy even when you do X with full awareness his parents want you to do Y. That brings us to the second part: preparing answers to pushy people so you don’t lose your nerve in the wording.
“We’re all set, but thank you.” Done. Then watch your world not crumble when you stand up for yourself.
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Dear Miss Manners: I have been friends with Elizabeth for almost 20 years. We met because we were both active in an activity our children were in. When we were on equal footing — both married, working, etc. — things were fine.
Five years ago, my marriage fell apart. Elizabeth was so supportive during this time. About two years later, Elizabeth began an affair and eventually left her husband. supported her when a lot of people didn’t. She has had subsequent problems, during which I have again tried to be a good friend. While she feels like her life is spinning out of control, mine is going great. And it seems like the better I do, the nastier she becomes. I don’t know if I want to be close friends with this version of Elizabeth, which is difficult because we’re both still active where we first met.
Do I need to continue to try and be supportive, or is it really time to distance myself from my best friend?
Gentle reader: As decent human beings, we are supposed to be pleased by one another’s successes. That baser feelings exist is not a reason to indulge them — or to reward bad behavior.
There is a world of difference between bragging about something to the point of hurting someone’s feelings, and simply being happy to share one’s good fortune. The former is, indeed, worthy of censure; the latter is supposed to leave you time to show empathy for the less fortunate.
The proper responses to unpleasant remarks by Elizabeth are silence and a change of subject. If this does not discourage the behavior, then it may indeed be time to back off the friendship, while remaining on polite professional terms.
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