Model calm behavior

Dear Dr. Blackstone: My partner and I combined families two years ago. Both of us have kids, and we have slowly gotten them on similar schedules so we have some private time together. Then COVID-19 hit and all this togetherness has made things terrible between us. Last night an argument spiraled out of control and she slapped me across the face. Luckily the kids were with their other parent, but things are really bad and I don’t know how to make this better. We are on the verge of breaking up. What’s good ex-etiquette?

Dear Reader: The stresses of being cooped up, no social interaction, possible loss of job, school closings and the fear of contacting a life-threatening virus has so permeated our families that rather than banding together to cope with the challenges, many lashed out at each other. Studies are now reporting that intimate partner violence (IPV) and child abuse have both increased substantially during lockdown.

It’s been my observation that couples problem solve the same way their parents did. If their parents screamed at each other, they scream at their partner. If their parents gave each other the silent treatment, they do the same. If there was domestic violence, statistics show that is perpetuated as well.

So what do you do? You have to be smarter. You have to know it’s up to both of you to be the leaders of your family and demonstrate firsthand how love can remain the ballast during any disagreement.

For specific ideas on how to construct a Forum for Conflict Resolution within your relationship or for your family, hit the Bonus Families website (www.bonusfamilies.com), keyword: contract. That’s good ex-etiquette. Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation.” drjannblackstone@gmail.com