After a death, lead with love

Dear Dr. Blackstone: I have been blessed with two very loving families. I had two children in my first family, received primary custody of them after my divorce and when I remarried, combined her children with mine for my second family. We all got along so well and for years celebrated life together. Then my second wife got sick. I took care of her for years and now that she has passed, I’m ready to resume my life. I am 64. My children, all adults now, want me to meet someone; my bonuskids are upset. I can’t make everyone happy and it is upsetting. What’s good ex-etiquette?

Dear Reader: I suspect the reason it is more difficult for your bonuskids is because it is their biological mother who has passed. It’s not uncommon for relatives to take it personally when a loved one moves on after a death, feeling it is a direct betrayal of the relative who has passed.

The answer is in helping them to understand you cannot compare their mother to anyone else. Actually, they shouldn’t, either. She was unique in both your life and theirs, and they must know that she will never feel less to you, no matter who you are involved with. The heart stretches to let more love in.

More than that, anyone you get involved with must also understand your connection to your deceased wife’s children. The only family dynamic that will comfortably work for your family is when all the players, from kids to new partners, have an all-inclusive point of reference. Anyone any family member loves just enhances the family connection — not instead of members who have passed, but in conjunction to those who are no longer with us. Always lead with love. That’s good ex-etiquette.