New mother resents MIL

Hi, Carolyn: My husband comes from a very large, very close extended family that does just about everything together. When my husband and I were dating, and even after we married, we saw his parents every other week or so, maybe more if there were special events.

However, ever since we had a baby, my mother-in-law seems to feel she should be a lot more involved in our lives and should be seeing our child more often than she is. She has become very competitive with me as well when it comes to our son.

It’s causing a lot of stress in my marriage and I don’t know how to proceed. — M

Dear M: I’ll bet it is. You married into a “very close extended family that does just about everything together.” And you didn’t anticipate more of it showing up when you made it one infant bigger?

Your husband sees their presence as part of himself and you see their absence as part of yourself. So you can’t let this go unreconciled.

One common possibility within these boundaries is that his mother arrives to bond like mad with her grandson while you and your husband enjoy some adults-only time. Or you and your husband, together, conjure ways to have his mother’s presence solve a problem in your household instead of creating one, then secure her cooperation with it — again, on your terms.

However you draw the Venn diagram of your and his needs, you’ll improve the outcome if you center it on giving.Approach it as a simple switch in focus, from the triangle — you, husband, husband’s family — to the line — you, husband. From there you both focus on meeting each other’s needs. Present it to him that way.

These boundaries build trust where distrust and self-interest crept in.