Failure to send condolences

Dear Miss Manners: I work at a small company in a relatively small and tight-knit industry, and was previously an officer in our industry’s national association.

Last summer, my wife died unexpectedly after several months of illness. The outpouring of sympathy I received was very comforting.

There was one person I expected to hear from, but didn’t: a former co-worker who had left to work for a larger company in another state at the beginning of my wife’s illness. My company had a farewell party for him on his last day, which I was unable to attend. I sent him an email explaining this.

Several times each year, when my wife and I had entertained visiting customers, or potential customers, in our home, we made a point to include this co-worker in the dinners.

I had assumed that he would at least have sent some form of condolences when she died.

I will probably encounter this person at a future industry convention. How should I react?

Gentle reader: Presume the best. Yes, it is possible that he is unreasonably angry that you did not attend his last day at work and is now committing a disproportionate retaliation. But it is also possible that his heartfelt condolence letter got lost in the mail. Or something in between.

Before you shun him, Miss Manners recommends that you proceed as though it were the latter. You may say something like, “It is good to see you again. You know, Alicia was such a fan of yours ...”

And then leave an opening for him to express condolences, explain his lack of response — or reenact it. In which case, you may proceed without counting him as a friend.’