I hate my husband’s hair

Dear Carolyn: I was 72 yesterday. All the people I send cards to, even gifts to some, did not acknowledge my birthday at all. It made me very sad to think I’ve invested so much into these one-sided relationships. Can you offer me any perspective on this that would make me want to stay in touch with these relatives? — C.

Dear C: I’m sorry about the bad birthday.

The quickest perspective: It’s one day.

If there’s more to work through here than this, then I offer perspective in the form of a mental flow chart:

These may not be one-sided relationships, but instead different-sided. You send cards and you care about birthdays, for example, but not everyone does, or responds in kind. Others prefer to do their part through weekly calls or hosting big holidays or fixing things for you or whatever else. To feel connected through such mismatches, pay attention to their forms of giving and appreciate them for what they are, versus dwell on what they aren’t.

If their forms of giving are nonexistent, then appreciation is out, obviously. In that case, you look for simple explanations. Is their negligence only a recent phenomenon?

If so, then you stay in touch, because that’s what loved ones do.

If it’s not a recent thing — if these loved ones have always taken from you without giving much back — then you think about your reasons for staying in touch.

If you attend to them on principle, and if that no longer feels good enough, then it’s OK to be done.

The pragmatist gets a flow chart, too: If you want something for your birthday, then plan it yourself. Don’t get mad, get busy.