Obligated to spend time with parents?

Dear Carolyn: I don’t like my parents. Does that make me a monster? They weren’t abusive but also weren’t very loving or supportive, and in adulthood I find I just ... don’t like them. What should adults do when they don’t like their parents? How much time am I obligated to spend with them? Should I be honest with them or just do my best to smile politely, the way I would with a customer I don’t particularly like? — Monster?

Dear Monster?: Liking one’s parents, or siblings, or kids even, is a weird expectation, when you think about it.

These are people of proximity, not choice. Maybe there’s a betterthan-random chance of getting along because of shared environment, upbringing, experiences, traits, in some cases genes — but it’s still at its baseline a story of discrete individuals assigned to live together before anyone really knows who anyone is.

Lest that sound cynical: A lot of us like our families anyway, or have come up with inspiring ways to make it work regardless. Love, for example, which is different from “like.” Also gratitude, duty, culture, reciprocity, community, security, utility, respect, sympathy — plus the commonalities I mentioned earlier, plus whatever else you can fit under the umbrella of shared history. Family members who might never have chosen each other as friends can find emotional sustenance in familiarity alone.

Still, there are also no rules to say you have to, no “monster” jail you’ll get sent to. You’ve framed your question in terms of “should” and what you’re “obligated” to do, but family experiences are too variable for there to be a single right approach. Kids have no obligation to stay connected, for an extreme example, to parents who chose to harm them.

There is only what you need for your peace of mind.

That means serving your conscience, which means knowing your values, which means answering big questions I can’t answer for you. Such as:

What does any of us owe our parents for having us?

Your parents “weren’t very loving or supportive.” Would they agree? Have you talked?

Do you know why they fell short — what their circumstances were during your childhood, what their relationship was like?

This is hardly a comprehensive list — feel free to create your own — but make sure you wrap it up by imagining a future where your kids don’t like you. How will you want them to handle it?

You’re asking your conscience and values to come up with a plan.

Therapy can help if you can’t untie all the old knots on your own.

Hi, Carolyn: Do I really have to spend time with my partner’s parents and vice versa? I don’t dislike them, I’m just introverted, don’t have much in common and would rather do my own thing. My partner feels similarly about my parents. So we have a deal where we go as a couple for holidays and birthdays or when we ask for their support, but otherwise do our own thing.— Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: Nope. It works for you, so it’s genius. Treat it as normal and let your families adjust.