‘Is this a good time?’ can now be asked via text message
Dear Miss Manners: I was taught that at the beginning of any phone call I make, it is polite to ask whether or not my friend is busy. I always ask, “Are you busy now?” or, “Do you have time to talk?”
However, many people who call launch directly into conversation without asking. It seemed to happen even more during the pandemic, when many of us were lonely and wanted to talk with a friend. I realize I can simply interrupt the caller, and have done so on a few occasions. I would just like to be given the courtesy of being asked.
Gentle reader: Technology has changed the experience of telephoning and being telephoned, much for the better. But Miss Manners notes that it has overtaken the need for some of the old courtesies.
Once, the ring of the telephone was considered an imperative summons. It was rude to demand attention without regard to the convenience of the person being called. But as one didn’t know who was calling, it was considered best not to take a chance on missing something important. Now, not only do we know who is calling, we can set different rings for different callers, or turn off the ring entirely. Knowing that we all have other demands on our time, no one should be insulted at having to leave a message.
The increasingly prevalent belief is that lessintrusive communication tools should be used if there is not a reason that real-time speaking is necessary. If you think you are in danger of interrupting someone who nevertheless answers all calls, you might text your polite inquiry: “Would this be a good time to talk?”
Dear Miss Manners: I married the unfavored son of a woman who has made regular large gifts to her favorite. MIL prefers to have an audience when she gives a gift, so her motivation is at least partly to get attention.
My husband and I, a family of two, have a comfortable lifestyle. We travel and always look smart when we visit the in-laws. But we are still the “dumpster” children or scapegoats, while BIL and his family are positively “golden.” The favoritism has been so blatant lately that it seems MIL’s entire household supply of antiques and silver has been moved en masse to BIL’s home, where we have to step around it.
MIL seems to want competition for her favor between the adult children, when the winner has already been announced. I think she’s watched too many reality TV shows.
I need your help so that I don’t appear at all envious of BIL and his advance inheritance. MIL isn’t going to favor my husband, ever, but we can take the sting out of it for ourselves.
Gentle reader: Do not take the bait. Avoid putting yourselves in positions where your MIL or BIL — or any IL — can put you in jeopardy of appearing to be in competition. And if that is unavoidable, Miss Manners suggests you keep your expression blank and your disposition even.
Your reward will be an obstacle-free house, devoid of revenge inheritance — so much easier to clean on both a literal and psychological level.
Dear Miss Manners: Iam a 68-year-old formerly childless aunt. My sister died two years ago after a very long illness, and I have “inherited” my adult nephew. I think of him more as a son at this point, and he thinks of me as his “aunt-mom.”
He is recently married, and he, his wife and her son are living with me. They plan to continue to do so — I am getting no younger, and they are happy to have extra support; it works well for all of us. Her son is a terrific 6-year-old who calls me “Aunt Bea,” as do many of my younger relatives. I have sometimes referred to my nephew’s wife as my daughter-inlaw, as I don’t wish to explain the whole thing to casual acquaintances. She is OK with that. Do you have suggestions as to how this might best be handled?
Gentle reader: It is a false assumption that a social introduction must involve a family tree, complete with timelines, genetic identification and background checks for accuracy. It is clear that the people who matter in your situation find it more than amenable — and that is what is important. Whatever shorthand versions of relationship titles you choose are fine — and if you are called upon to expand, Miss Manners suggests a simple, “We are family, and this works wonderfully for us.”