Son is stuck with his abusive wife
Dear Annie: My son has not spoken to me for eight years. He married a woman he met online in a matter of six months. I was very hesitant about his jumping into a marriage so quickly with a stranger. I’m a mother who wants a happy life for her children.
About eight years ago, I had surgery and texted my son to ask why he hadn’t come to see me or called. I got a response back, but it was not from my son; it was from his wife. This is what she said: “Well, he has a family now, and we come first, and he’ll get to you when he can.” After that, she and I exchanged a few words over text.
So, later that evening, I went over to talk to my son in person about the disrespect that his wife displayed, and he pretty much sided with her. I know she is his wife, but I’m his mother. He stopped talking to me after that and relocated to Florida. But now he’s back in the same city where I live.
I heard that he had a mental breakdown, and I called him at the hospital to offer my support. During the last time I spoke with him before he was released, he said his wife told him that she had a dream about my wishing that he would not get well.
That really upset me, and after he was released from the hospital, he cut off all contact with me again. He now lives with my daughter. I’m not speaking to my daughter because she has them living in her house. I just feel like they have betrayed me when all this time I’ve been a mother and father to them. Can you please help me move ahead, Annie? Thank you. — Wanting Contact
Dear Wanting: The best way to move ahead is to take a step back — and look at the big picture. Your son is in an abusive relationship, and his wife is using your family as the scapegoat and saying that you are the cause of all problems, when, after being married to her for eight years, he ended up having a mental breakdown. The real question is, why does he allow his wife to say such terrible things about you and force him to cut ties with you?
Continue to reach out to your son in a loving and understanding way. Try to put your hurt feelings aside and see that he is the one really hurting now. It does not feel good to be disconnected from your parents and cut them out completely. He is hurting.
On top of that, you are being too hard on your daughter. Your children are not betraying you; they are surviving as best they can with the life situation they are in at the moment.
Congratulate yourself that you were able to raise two siblings who love each other enough to help the other one out when they are having a tough time, which is exactly what your son is having.
He needs to stick up to his wife, but he won’t be able to do that with low self-esteem. Until then, he will let this abusive woman continue to drive him into mental breakdowns.
Support your son — he needs your help now more than ever — and don’t demand or ask anything of him. Just tell him you are there for him when he needs you and how much you love him.