Don’t romanticize the past with ex

The romance of the past may have been wonderful, but reminiscing about the good-old days won’t serve you as co-parents.

Dear Dr. Blackstone: Valentine’s Day is always a confusing day for me, and this Valentine’s Day was no different. I get along quite well with my ex, and Valentine’s Day was our anniversary. I want to reach out just to reinforce the journey we went through — married, awful divorce, and now doing our best to co-parent. We rode the wave, and I’m proud of us. But he has remarried, and I think his wife is a little intimidated by how easily we interact. It’s not my goal to upset their life, just acknowledge “us.” But is that good ex-etiquette?

Dear Reader: Hmm. Very red flags — not just light red, but flashing red, which means, “Stop and proceed with caution!”

Although you have been through a lot — and good for you for riding the wave — be careful not to romanticize the past. In order to properly co-parent after a breakup, you must put aside the “ex” relationship and build a completely new relationship based not on your mutual love for each other, but on the mutual love you have for your child. The romance of the past may have been wonderful, but reminiscing about the good-old days won’t serve you as co-parents. The “us” you speak of is “us” as mom and dad, not as former lovers. You have a right to be proud, but it would better serve your child if you channeled that proud acknowledgment into being grateful for having a cooperative co-parent.

I’m not saying to deny the journey, but respect it for what it is: the past. In the present, your child’s father is married to someone else. That union deserves your respect, particularly if your child is going back and forth between homes and taking it all in. You said your goal is not to upset their life. A good test of whether that is true is to ask yourself if you would send the same card knowing his wife would read it.

Valentine’s Day is a day for lovers. That’s the reason you chose that day to marry. With that in mind, your message of acknowledgment and gratitude may be better sent on Father’s Day, when recognition of dad is what the day is all about. Remember to keep the message about your role as parents, not as former lovers. Celebrate his role as dad and his dedication to fatherhood.

Finally, you have the opportunity to create the exact relationship you want to best co-parent your child. Many are not as fortunate. They are trapped in their past, angry, fearful, jealous. But according to your email, you have the foundation to actually work together and problem-solve. Build on that. Look for ways to reinforce THAT relationship. That’s good ex-etiquette.