Time will tell if he’s really ‘the one’

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: When are you supposed to know if you would like to marry your partner? We are both in our early 30s, have been dating a year, have met each other’s family, and survived quarantine. He makes me happy, he understands me, he supports me, he’s kind, he’s smart, the physical chemistry is amazing, we share the same values, and we have similar goals in life. We’re not perfect, for sure, but we do our best to work through problems or miscommunications in a healthy way, and apologize when we don’t.

But the question everyone wants to know is, “Is he the one?” Even though I don’t believe in the concept of “the one,” I would like to marry a partner and do our best to choose each other every day and share a happy life together. My partner is confident that I am it for him, and tells me so, though not in a way to pressure me. I … just don’t know. I’m not having misgivings, but I’m also not flooded with feelings of “I’ve found my soul mate.”

It could be the rest of my life is a very big commitment, or maybe I am supposed to be overcome with “He is my perfect half ” feelings that I just don’t have. — Confused About Commitment

Dear Confused About Commitment:

“Supposed to” is such a cruel standard.

And why are these people pestering you? It’s not their business, doesn’t help, and there are no barriers to your volunteering this information if that’s something you want to share.

Anyway, to (non-) answer your question: Some people just know, some people figure it out pretty quickly, some people fall into things slowly but surely — and a significant number of all of them find out later they were wrong. There’s just no answer for any individual in these collective results.

What you can do is trust that time will have its say one way or the other. You’ll either become certain (enough) after a while, become no more certain over time, lose interest in him, or outlast his patience and make any decision by you a moot point.

If he’s willing to give you time and space to figure this out, then let go of the pressure to feel or know any more than what you currently feel or know, and enjoy that time and space.

Or don’t enjoy it, and recognize that as your answer.

Reader’s thought:

I never had the, “He’s the one!! My soul mate!” feelings for my husband. But I never wanted to ever break up, I wanted to spend every day with him, and could happily picture the rest of my life with him. I’m very happy and have no regrets. As an aside, I did have the, “He’s the one,” feeling for someone else years before meeting my husband. We broke up, and it took a few years to determine we weren’t the best match, so …