A sign on the bathroom door would alleviate awkwardness

Dear Miss Manners: I work in a business where the door to the men’s room is the traditional type of door you would find in a residence. In other words, it has a doorknob that you turn to gain entry, as opposed to a door that you simply push to enter and that automatically closes.

I have a long-running debate with a co-worker who always completely closes the door after using the room. When I see that the door is closed, I assume the restroom is occupied, and therefore suspend my business until I see that the door has been left ajar. At some point, I am forced to knock on the door. I am hesitant to do this, because if someone is in there, I have just interrupted their privacy.

I have talked with my co-worker until I’m blue in the face, but he will not change his behavior. His argument is that seeing a toilet from the hallway is unsightly, and therefore his action is helping project a cleaner and more aesthetically pleasing public area.

I don’t disagree with his logic, but would it hurt to leave the door mostly closed and send the signal that the room is unoccupied? He has agreed to abide by your opinion on this matter.

Gentle reader: You neglect to mention whether you will also abide by Miss Manners’ decision. She asks only because you are both right, and you are both wrong. Office decorum accepts on faith that the toilet facilities are fully equipped without requiring — or wanting — visual confirmation. Perhaps your door is well-behaved enough to remain slightly open without also revealing what lies beyond. In this case, a half-open-door policy is acceptable.

A closed-door policy is also allowed — if those on the other side understand it and do not, as you fear, jump when they hear the inevitable knock.

A third solution would be a reversible sign on the door like the ones that warn other members of the household whether the dishes in the dishwasher are dirty or clean. This would not be acceptable at home, where it is easier to know who is where.

How much of the office will need to be consulted to agree on a solution will depend on office culture — and how much actual work there is keeping people busy. Miss Manners’ only preference is that, if you agree on a reversible sign, you choose one whose message is businesslike.

Dear Miss Manners: A woman in my neighborhood was recently horrified and heartbroken when she witnessed a coyote taking away her cat. I understand the trauma this caused. However,

I had to applaud the wisdom of nature. I had been equally aghast when that $@%#* cat crushed one, then another, then a third hummingbird right outside the window where I enjoy my morning coffee. Fortunately, my coffee cup was in the saucer or I would have lost it.

I know there is plenty of evidence that loose cats kill millions of birds each year. This is not nature; it’s irresponsible people imposing their pet preferences on the rest of us and the birds.

Gentle reader: Since nature has taken its course, Miss Manner trusts that you will now go against yours and be kind to this woman when you see her. She has lost her cat to the circle of life — and your theory about nature’s morality will not likely ease the pain.

Miss Manners: I have a friend who, each time I bring to their attention that they have upset or offended me, responds by rolling their eyes and saying that I am impossible. Typically, I will state, “I feel that I am the only one in our friendship making an effort to hang out” or “I feel that I wasn’t supported, even after you offered to support me.” This is always met with redirection back to me — that I am hot-and-cold and a laundry list of other things.

What advice do you have for dealing with friends/ family/people who simply cannot receive constructive criticism?

Gentle reader: How often are you giving it to them? It is not that Miss Manners doubts you, but she does often hear from people who are being constantly nitpicked. Presuming that you are justified and your friend is thoughtlessly ignoring you, you may politely declare the friendship to be on hold.

For lack of sufficient reciprocity, you may say, “You seemed so busy of late that I didn’t want to bother you.” This also applies for lack of support, when they wonder why you no longer seek their counsel.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.