Stressed about her beau’s reunion
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend does a big annual college reunion with his friends at his family’s lake house every year. There will be 16 adults and two babies.
Every time I think of this event or talk about it, I start crying and get super angry and upset. I have tried to figure out why, but I just can’t seem to get to what is bothering me so much.
It’s a LOT of people to be around for six days straight, I have only met them through Zoom, my boyfriend is a very loyal friend — and can put friendship before me. Also, bachelorette parties make me want to die and I think this will be similar.
My boyfriend has given me a lot of options — like spending time alone, coming late, etc.
But I don’t want to be the girlfriend who isn’t there. And these things seem mostly manageable. How do I begin to untangle the root of what is actually bothering me? — Crying
Dear Crying: I don’t know, but I can guess: Big groups of people aren’t your thing, but they are your boyfriend’s, so you want to accommodate. You want to be the person who can … be his person.
If this is accurate, then I emphatically encourage you to own who you are and say, “Have fun Shmoopie,” and opt out of the whole thing. He can just tell people you’re not into big crowds as if it’s normal, because it is.
Either your relationship will survive this test or it won’t, and that will be good for your long-term happiness either way.
If I’ve misread the situation and you’re good with crowds, just not feeling good about this crowd, then I would advise planning an early exit from the lake house under some pretext — after a night or two, maybe — so you can take part in a limited way that allows you to wade into his college crowd but not overtax your social resources. It is a lot.
Last thing, for what it’s worth: A lot of the inexplicable tears I’ve seen turned out to be the first breakthrough of I-know-this-relationshipisn’t-working-but-I-doNOT-want-that-to-be-true distress. Sometimes unexplained distress is just overflow Feelings that need a way to come out.
Re: Boyfriends’ friends:
I think the clue is that the boyfriend sometimes puts his friends before the writer. I think it could be the dawning of the realization that the relationship is not the boyfriend’s first priority. — Anonymous
At face value, maybe. But a couple can enjoy big-group socializing and still be close and prioritize each other.
They just need to embrace their whole Venn diagram: enjoying the times they’re alone, alone together, and alone or together among a group of friends. Otherwise it won’t work.
Dear Anonymous:
Reader thoughts:
Embrace being someone who has her own strong preferences about how she spends her time. Neither your boyfriend nor any of the other guests require your presence.