Always look for the compromise
What if you try to use good ex-etiquette when you deal with your ex, but she is just ruthless? I mean, things like tells the kids I don’t care about them, makes up that the kids are sick thinking that is an excuse to keep them with her. She will do anything to keep the kids away — and it’s constant. The holidays are around the corner and I’m thinking about going out of town with the children so I don’t have to deal with her. What’s good ex-etiquette?
Dear Reader: Let’s talk about the mindset behind good ex-etiquette; then we will get to the legalities of what you describe.
The mindset is easy. Love your kids more than you hate your ex.
If you can’t, you have a bigger problem than an inability to co-parent. If you are locked in a vendetta, then it’s time to head to therapy and examine your motivation because something is off.
We’ve all been through terrible breakups. Good for those who find a way to part amicably, but the majority who write me have faced a traumatic breakup, or the time after the breakup has become unmanageable. The longer I do this, the more it becomes obvious that revenge — fighting, arguing, manipulating — is futile. It doesn’t offer solace. It doesn’t stop the pain; it perpetuates it. You become someone you barely recognize. And that’s the model you are offering your children.
From a legal standpoint, if you have a court-ordered parenting plan and the children are scheduled to be with you this holiday, you can take them anywhere you want — as long as they are back for their court-ordered time with their mother. If you would like to travel because you just don’t want to deal with her, start negotiating now, offering that next year they can be with her for a designated amount of time.
You can’t withhold the children — ever — no matter how justified you feel. It’s bad for them emotionally and psychologically, and it could be the catalyst for the courts to reduce their time with you.
As a final suggestion, I am not in favor of estranged co-parents splitting the holidays
(for example, Thanksgiving Thursday going to one parent, Friday going to the other; some even try to split the holiday, exchanging at 3 p.m. so the children can spend the day with both parents). The feeling of animosity is still there as the kids get up and go to the other parent. The holidays then become confrontational and certainly not relaxing.
It may be better to split the entire vacation — spending Friday after school to Wednesday with one parent, Wednesday to school with the other. That way, if parents want to travel, they can. Treat winter break the same way. Switching on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day conjures up all sorts of competitive and angry feelings. Figure out another way. (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 10, “Look for the compromise.”) That’s good ex-etiquette.