Friend’s wife sticks invited guests with the bill for party

Dear Miss Manners: A friend is having a milestone birthday — turning 40. His wife, considerably younger, organized an event at a local bar, invited a bunch of people, and 10 or so RSVP’d.

Then two days before the event, she asked for money to cover the cost of reserving the space ($45 a person). Then she also told us that we were on our own for what we order and drink.

I was a bit miffed at this for two reasons: 1. She did not tell us the cost arrangement prior to sending the invite, so now I look bad if I back out and stick them with the bill, since that is a fixed cost. 2. She organized this, so why am I on the hook, essentially paying for her party for her husband?

This event is now in the past. I went, had a good time and kept my mouth shut. But it left me thinking that the wife is young as it relates to this kind of thing.

Should I say something to either one of them? (Probably not, as nothing good will come of that, right?) Am I off in my thinking?

Gentle reader: The only thing “off ” in your thinking is that this kind of behavior is reserved for the young.

Event producers disguised as friends and family have cropped up everywhere, inventing more and more flagrant ways to fund their celebrations and/or extract presents from their unsuspecting investors.

The best (worst?) among them will not be shamed or deterred — and, as you say, no good generally comes from trying. Miss Manners is therefore afraid that skipping the events, or being rightfully resentful afterwards, are the only polite ways of dealing with this dreadful and costly behavior.

Dear Miss Manners: Ona couple of occasions, I have received as a gift an item (a specific book and a piece of clothing) that I already owned. So while the gift was appreciated and a very good selection as to my preferences, it is an item I do not need/can’t use.

What should one do in such an instance? It feels a little dishonest not to mention that I already possess the item (especially if asked), but then the giver may feel disappointed.

Should I just thank the giver and compliment their selection without mentioning the duplication? I have handled it both ways, but am not sure which is best or if there is an alternative.

Gentle reader: Why would you want to inform a generous person that this generosity was a failure?

Miss Manners can assure you that withholding information is not dishonest, presuming that you are not testifying under oath. Nor is gushing — “My favorite author!” or “This is just my style!” for instance, followed by “Thank you so much, that is so kind” — instead of answering a direct question.

Dear Miss Manners: How does one properly express condolences when you are told that a distant family member, who abused you and whom you loathe, has died?

“I’m sorry for your loss” seems wrong. I’m not.

“I hope he didn’t suffer.”

That wouldn’t be sincere; I kinda hope he did, a little. “Is there anything I can do?” Nope, the family was complicit in their denial of the abuse. I don’t want to help them at all.

Silence isn’t an option. It would be noticed and questioned and I would end up looking like an insensitive jerk. What to do?

Gentle reader: Although she can help you, Miss Manners cautions against too much self-congratulation over your intention to be sincere. You want the words you speak to be true, but the impression you leave to be false — namely that you are sensitive to their loss.

Very well: “Thank you for letting me know. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. My condolences.” Perhaps it would compromise you too much to offer your “deepest condolences.”

Dear Miss Manners: Is a text acknowledgment required for birthday or anniversary cards received in the mail? My parents always send me a text thanking me for cards, and expect me to do the same. I thought thank-you notes were only required for gifts.

Gentle reader: Etiquette does not require thanks for cards unless they contain personal letters. Your parents, however, do. Miss Manners would consider it the wiser course to go with your parents’ wishes rather than argue with them about rules.