Boyfriend has an offensive friend
Editor’s note: The following first appeared Sept. 2008.
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I each have one or two friends whom the other doesn’t really like, and it’s OK with us. However, recently, my boyfriend became friends with someone I find very offensive. This person will say things that I find racist or sexist. In addition, he drinks heavily.
I have told my boyfriend how I feel, and he said he doesn’t spend much time with him — and that I have to get to know him before judging him, because he can be a nice person, too. Now that we’re back at school, I really do not want my boyfriend hanging out with him. When he’s with him, my boyfriend tends to drink more than usual. What to do? — Offended in Va.
Dear Offended: Nothing. You’ve made your point. The more you try to control your boyfriend, the less you witness his free will in action. There’s no more productive way to discover someone than to let him be himself. So wait, and watch.
You, likewise, are responsible for your companionship choices — not to be confused with a responsibility for making your companions change in order to justify your choice. Something to keep in mind if you find yourself with a Boyfriendimal on your hands.
My girlfriend of two years was invited to the wedding of a classmate of hers. I asked if I could attend as her date. Well, she said since the invitation didn’t include me, I shouldn’t go. I asked if she wouldn’t mind asking the bride. She refused.
I assumed she would
Dear Carolyn:
stay only a very short time. By midnight I finally hear from her. She proclaims that I am completely wrong and should not have made this into a big deal. My problem is that she didn’t even try. And, she also was going to see two people with whom she has history. I believe I wasn’t included because of them, which she denies. — R.
Dear R.: Your girlfriend was right: An invitation addressed only to her means you weren’t invited, and it’s not acceptable to pressure couples to add guests.
If you really believe your girlfriend is a liar who can’t be trusted without a chaperone, then please direct your efforts to asking yourself why you haven’t just broken up with her — instead of angling for invitations to weddings you apparently had no other reason to want to attend just to supervise her.
Dear Carolyn: My mom increasingly calls me for advice, especially about how to handle youngeradult siblings. I find it very stressful. — Stressed in Va.
Advising can make you feel responsible for someone’s choices, which explains the stress. But just as your mom chooses to seek your counsel, she can also choose not to heed it. All you can do is offer an informed opinion when you have one you want to offer and, even more important, recognize when you don’t. And recognize that oracles can have questions, too.