The importance of asking for help

With the new year starting, I thought I’d take a little different approach and address a major pitfall parents who have broken up and are attempting to combine families might be facing.

We see celebrities breaking up and starting over and the image they project is that it’s just so easy. It’s not.

I can tell you from working with some of them that they face the same issues we all face. They have to cope with jealousy when one leaves and the guilt of how moving on too soon affects their kids. Their pain of facing addiction with a partner is no different. And for many of them, they must face their private struggles in front of everyone, thanks to the merciless media frenzy around celebrity life. So, what’s true?

In this column I always bring it back to the kids. The 10 rules of good ex-etiquette for parents to which I often refer are kid-based, but I also must stress how important maintaining your own mental health is to helping your kids cope with any struggle. If you are floundering, your kids feel it.

Possibly the greatest gift we can give them is to be proactive with our own struggles. Get help if you need it. Show them what to do if you feel a little unhinged. We all feel that way at some point in our lives, especially trying to get adjusted once again after a breakup in the midst of a pandemic lockdown. The goal is not to put on a happy face and power through. Although I’ve said many times that divorced parents must be the best actors in the world, there is a point when the curtain goes down and all the acting serves no one. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

As a matter of fact, Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 2 is: “Ask for help if you need it.” I originally included it to remind parents that help often comes from unexpected sources, like exes, or even your ex’s new partner. My husband’s ex-wife needed help picking up the kids and agonized in bumperto-bumper traffic about who to call. When she broke down and called me, it paved the way for better communication in the future.

But now, with a mental health crisis looming, asking for help takes on a whole new face. Asking for help is an important step to coping with depression, addiction, and life in general. Don’t put it off, especially if you are in crisis.

Below you will find the original 10 Rules of Good Ex-etiquette for Parents. They are just as important now as they were when I introduced them almost 20 years ago. Take note of No. 2.

1. Put the children first.

2. Ask for help if you need it.

3. Never badmouth.

4. Parents make the rules; bonusparents uphold them.

5. Don’t be spiteful.

6. Don’t hold grudges.

7. Use empathy when problem-solving.

8. Be honest and straightforward.

9. Respect each other’s turf.

10. Look for the compromise.

Let’s make 2023 the year we all learn to ask for help if we need to. That’s good ex-etiquette.