Be clear when setting boundaries
You’re not going to believe this, but I came home yesterday and found my boyfriend’s ex in my garage. She said she was looking for some tax information, but I was really ticked off that she was rummaging around in the boxes of my garage. She said she knew my boyfriend wouldn’t return her calls and she needed the records to file her taxes. What’s good ex-etiquette?
Dear Reader: If you could see me right now, you would see me falling down laughing. I’ve had similar things happen to me, and I’m the one writing the column. My husband had a laissez-faire attitude about locking the front door. It was a small town; everyone knew everyone else and he just never saw the need to lock it. That meant his ex would come and go as she pleased
— if the kids left their backpack, their good jeans, etc. — until I moved in and it all changed. There was a transition period, however, and I can remember running out to the store only to come home to find my husband’s ex looking for stuff the kids left behind. I wasn’t happy, and this is where we launch into the importance of BOUNDARIES.
Granted, she used to live in that house, and her explanation was that she felt it was the kids’ home and it would be OK to retrieve the kids’ stuff. Not so much, from my point of view, and we all sat down and came to an agreement as to what specifically was appropriate and what was not.
The key — no pun intended — was we should have had that conversation before I moved in. That’s one of the reasons
I stress having a plan for moving in and how you will conduct your life as a couple, one or both of which co-parents with another. If you don’t have an agreement for what is acceptable, there will be no consistency, and it ensures everyone will flounder. Better to have a plan in place, and if you must deviate or compromise, do that, rather than constantly have to negotiate a position because there are no boundaries.
For many, these stories are just too familiar, and they can’t even fathom exes coming over or interacting so casually. I can tell you from experience, even though I was not expecting it, it happens, and that is why it is imperative that boundaries are clear. Be honest.
When establishing those boundaries, work together with the children’s welfare at the forefront, and do not compromise because you feel pressured to conform. If you feel something is unacceptable, say so. (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 8, “Be honest and straightforward”). Offer solutions (Rule No. 2, “ask for help if you need it”), be respectful of each other’s space (Rule No. 9, “Respect each other’s turf ”) and set the example of cooperation for the children, (Rule No. 10, “Look for the compromise”). All the rules of good ex-etiquette have evolved from real-life experiences. (You’ll find the 10 Rules of Good Ex-etiquette on the Bonus Families website.) That’s good ex-etiquette.