Daily Press (Sunday)

Tired of hearing friend complain

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Dear Carolyn: Through work, I was “situationa­l friends” with “Laura.” Despite having a good life overall — devoted and financiall­y supportive partner, well-compensate­d work, close family — Laura can be quite negative.

I am no longer involved in that work. Laura and I have met for lunch from time to time, and she is relentless­ly negative on these occasions.

Granted, she has had serious health problems, and her partner’s disabled son has moved in with them, but there is no conversati­on.

It’s more of a one-sided rant about all the woe in her life, no matter how I try to create a genuine conversati­on about topics of interest to both of us. It’s draining.

She doesn’t seem to have many close friends, so I hesitate to just stop having anything to do with her. Any ideas? — Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: It is neither your job nor your responsibi­lity to

“fix” Laura, to stay in a friendship you don’t want, or to save her from her own negativity or selfabsorp­tion.

Just saying that upfront, because:

Since you’re reluctant to quit Laura completely, you might as well try to put your compassion­ate stamina to practical use. Stop hinting and nudging toward “genuine conversati­on” and instead give her clear guidance on what you’d rather discuss.

So, for example: “I don’t mean to be insensitiv­e; I know things are tough.” They are, by the way — those woes are, whoa. “But I am struggling with negativity right now, and I would take it as a huge favor if we didn’t dwell on problems. Deal?” Present other topics to minimize awkwardnes­s: “Tell me what shows you’re watching. Great books you’re reading?” Keep returning gently — or obviously, or goofily — to those Laurafrien­dly topics. You have much more leeway to do this after you’ve been clear about your intent.

Or go further and suggest walks instead of lunches, or shared activities that either drive the conversati­on (museums, crafts, causes) or prevent it (biking, concerts). It’s not “shut her down” so much as firm and friendly redirectio­n.

Or go even further and say, “We’ve been friends for a while. And I want to help, but I feel like I’m in over my head with your struggles. Have you been screened for depression?”

Laura could just be bad at this friendship thing. She could also be in an emotional rut, deepened by the flight of other friends who skipped the clear communicat­ion and went straight for the exits.

As I said, this extra effort is not an obligation. But it is an option, a generous one, to offer Laura the kind of friendship you’d gladly maintain, complete with user manual.

Either she accepts the offer or she will have the informatio­n she needs — to understand why you no longer invite her to lunch and what she can do to improve her situation.

Or, third possibilit­y, she takes enough offense at your candor to end the friendship for you.

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