Local churches navigate online grief support during the pandemic

Lois Saunders hosted her first GriefShare support group in 2010.

She and other members met at their church, Kempsville Presbyterian, in Virginia Beach. They talked, they had sugary snacks and they shared their personal testimonies about grief and loss.

Ten years later, the group still exists, this time with new faces flashing across their computer screens.

The group is one of many at churches throughout Hampton Roads. It’s open to all and part of the GriefShare network, a national, 13-week program that works through grief using videos, workbooks and relating to others.

While groups were previously able to comfort one another through hugs and in-person conversations, some were forced to find other ways of doing so due to the pandemic, either through online sessions or social distancing.

At Kempsville Presbyterian, Zoom has allowed folks to connect despite the distance.

“For nine years, we’ve met in person, so doing a Zoom group was certainly new for me,” said Saunders, GriefShare facilitator at the church. “I think more than ever, it was important that we be available to people.”

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, a study conducted in June showed increased symptoms of anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, substance abuse and suicidal ideation than earlier in the year among adults.

The study also suggested using technology and telehealth to help reduce COVID-19-related mental health consequences.

Saunders said attendance in her group has been pretty stable, but there are some challenges meeting online when topics are as heavy

as losing loved ones.

“In our in-person group, you could give someone a hug,” she said. “If they’re crying, you could sit and you could talk, but all the supports, the traditional supports, aren’t there.”

She said groups like theirs are important to have because grief is messy, no one teaches you how to do it, and there’s not one, simple way of overcoming it.

GriefShare groups use workbooks that cost about $15, but if attendees can’t afford it, some churches will foot the bill. They also use videos, which Saunders likes.

One of the videos touches on a common question grieving people ask: Why?

“You’re not going to get the answer why, but you’re going to understand where God is in your journey of grief,” Saunders said.

To support each other from a distance, she recommends video chatting versus phone calls or texting, and being specific when reaching out.

“Don’t say to them ‘Call me if you need anything,’” Saunders said. “Say ‘How can I help you? I see you’ve got a big lawn that needs to be done. I’ve got a teenage son. How about if he helps you do that?’”

Other local grief groups have chosen to meet in person wearing masks, such as Ebenezer United Methodist Church in Suffolk.

Jennifer Pitsenbarger, the congregational care minister at the church, said their attendance went from 13 to around six.

They’ve been meeting over the past few months.

“I didn’t feel that people that have lost someone, doing it on Zoom was a beneficial thing to them because the connection was missing already,” she said.

In the group, they’ve talked about ways they can cope while not being able to spend as much time with others.

“Being outside in the garden, or being outside having lunch somewhere,” Pitsenbarger said. “I think those are things that have been helpful, and the group itself, just knowing other people have experienced a feeling of loss is huge for them.”

There’s also the group at New Jerusalem Ministries in Virginia Beach.

They meet online and have seen a decline in numbers as well. They started at around 30 but have dropped to 10 or 12, said Mary Braxton, minister and group facilitator at the church.

Some members log on from different parts of the country, such as Florida and Philadelphia.

The church’s pastor, Veronica

Coleman, said classes on Zoom have worked well for them.

There is a sense of collective grief communities are going through due to the pandemic, she said.

“You can’t do what you would normally do,” she said. “You can’t be present with each other. We talk about how difficult it has been for people who have lost loved ones and haven’t been able to go to the funeral.”

Conversations sometimes extend beyond meetings, like when a member called Braxton, group facilitator, to talk about a disagreement with her son.

When he got into his car, he suddenly smelled the fragrance of his late grandmother’s perfume mixed with tobacco she used to chew.

“He knew he had to call his mom, and he did, and just apologize for what they were going through,” Braxton said. “That memory was

so strong that he actually smelled her presence.”

Braxton said the next week in GriefShare, they talked about memories that remind you of loved ones who have passed away.

“It might be the apple pie that your mom always made,” Braxton said. “It could be the macaroni and cheese, the way it smelled. For somebody else, it may be a place.”

While they can’t do in-person activities like painting or creating memory books, Braxton said they may have a memorial so members can show photos of their loved ones, tell stories and pray.

“We’re not able to physically touch, but we know that the presence of God is everywhere, so we try to create bonds virtually,” she said.

For more information, call visit griefshare.org/findagroup.