Hurting friend needs professional help

Dear Harriette: I have a friend who recently confided in me about being molested as a child by a family member. He expressed the anger he feels toward his mother for not believing him when she was told what was happening. He often becomes angry and irate out of the blue when we talk. When I try to be compassionate toward him, he says he feels like I’m being condescending. At this point, I just don’t know how to talk to him. Should I distance myself from him? — Hurt Friend

Remember that you are not a licensed therapist, and that is what your friend needs. He has serious unresolved issues that he must tackle in order to regain his mental health. Your good intentions are not enough to heal him. What you can do is encourage him to get professional help.

Point out that as much as you care about him, you do not have the tools or experience to help him work through his problems. Assure him that you do not mean to sound condescending when you talk to him. Use that reality as proof that he needs to talk to someone who actually knows how to navigate his history with him in a constructive and useful way. Assure him that you want to remain his friend, but you are incapable of being his therapist. Then, stop trying to be that for him. Indeed, if he pressures you to be a surrogate counselor to him, back away. Tell him you cannot and will not step into that role.

Dear Harriette: I’ve been battling severe depression that causes me to lose my appetite. The weight loss has caused concern in my friends and family members for all the wrong reasons; they think I’m starving myself on purpose. I’m not ready to talk openly with them about my battle with chronic depression. How can I get them off of my back while I work to restore my mental health? Their accusations are only making me feel worse about myself. — Deeper Issues

Dear Deeper Issues:

Thank your loved ones for their concern and assure them that you are seeing a medical professional to address your weight loss. Ask them to back off. Tell them straight up that it isn’t helpful for them to badger you about your weight or pass judgment about your life. Tell them that the best way for them to help you is to stand down. Assure them that you are working through your issues.

Know that your assurances will only go so far. If you continue to lose weight or if your state of mind becomes more fragile, your loved ones will notice and do whatever they can to offer a lifeline. At some point, you may want to choose one trusted person to be on your team. Revealing your depression is not a sign of weakness. It can be a sign that you are including key people into the fold to be supportive.