Breakup may cause rift in friend group

Dear Harriette: Is it bad that I want my friends to pick a side after my breakup? I started dating my best friend years ago. We worked so well because we had all of the same friends. Dating came naturally to us. Now that we have broken up, it definitely makes hanging out in the same friend group awkward. I think that to avoid the discomfort, our friends should pick a side. They wouldn’t have to completely lose one of us as a friend, but they would have to choose who they have more loyalty to. Would it be wrong to ask them to do this? — Pick a Side

Dear Pick A Side: I do not recommend this strategy. It will feel like an ultimatum to your friends, and they will not like it. Instead, address the elephant in the room directly when you talk to your friends one on one or when you are all together. Tell them that you know how uncomfortable it is right now that you and your ex have broken up. Since all of you are so close, it has caused a rift in your friendship.

Admit that you aren’t sure what the way forward looks like. You may want to offer that you do not want to talk about the breakup or speak badly of your ex to them. You want your friend group to remain neutral territory. Ask for their patience and support as you all figure out how to be together in the coming days and weeks. Naturally you will see who rises to be closer to you. Don’t try to force it.

Dear Harriette: A friend of mine got married in a small, intimate ceremony over the weekend. She told me that it was just family. I saw a few pictures from the ceremony online, and I noticed people that she is not related to. The “just family” thing wasn’t the truth. Perhaps this means that we are not as close as I thought? Should I continue a friendship with this person? — No Invite

Dear No Invite: Weddings top the list of stressors for many people. Because they are so expensive, one of the most difficult parts is managing the guest list. People almost always end up being eliminated from the list, usually because of the budget. Even so, it can feel personal. Does the fact that you weren’t invited mean that you are not this person’s friend? I don’t think so. More likely, it means whoever was paying the bill had a limit, and they couldn’t fit you in. That hurts, yes, but do your best not to take it personally.

Due to COVID-19, many weddings were delayed. Now there is a wave of weddings occurring, and the costs are skyrocketing. Forgive your friend for not inviting you. Allow her to settle into her new life with her spouse. If you want to stay in touch with her, reach out and see what happens from there. Don’t hold a grudge just because you didn’t make the guest list.