Unfavorable comparison to ex’s body

Dear Carolyn: My current boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend had, and I know this is crude, much larger breasts than I have. I’m fairly flat-chested. We’ve been together 2 years but I recently found out that in the early part of our relationship (like 6 months in) he told one of his guy friends that “he’s happy he got the chance to be with someone with bigger breasts before dating someone who he loves but is flat-chested.” And I don’t know how upset to be about this.

It obviously hurts to think there’s a way someone you love is settling for you, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to expect him to not be subject to the biological preference men have for bigger breasts. It feels like a dealbreaker somehow. — Insecure

Dear Insecure: May the taste gods strike me down, but you need to think bigger.

I thought that’s what you were doing with the clause that began, “I’m not sure how I’m supposed to expect him to ___.” My advisory brain filled in the rest of your sentence with, “… prefer every single thing about me to all the other possibilities in the world.” Because while we’re all pretty good at loving each other holistically, we also “settle” on countless little things to make our partnerships work. And some big ones. Physical traits, intellectual interests, geographic ties, cat- or dog-personhood, whatever else.

We say we wouldn’t change a thing about someone because we love the someone it all adds up to, not because we love every single thing.

I’m guessing in most cases we make this mental adjustment consciously, fully aware we’re getting X despite a preference for Y. We do it when we think this entire person is amazing and so, OK, X it is because amazingness is what matters and X just doesn’t. When it works, it works because of maturity, self-awareness, acceptance and deep love.

So the question you’re really wrestling with — I hope — is not whether your man can truly love a flat-chested woman, since your 2 years say he can, or whether it’s “settling,” since it probably is, or whether “settling” itself is a deal breaker, since it’s something everyone does, though I prefer to call it “not having ridiculous expectations of specific people or of romance in general.” The real question is whether you can still love someone who not only did a boob retrospective bro-nalysis of women he’s loved, but also found some way for you to learn of it two years after the fact.

For some, this would be a deal breaker. Some, not. For anyone of integrity, it will depend not only on your values and feelings and your boyfriend’s character, but also on your own history of bonding with friends by picking over your partners’ assets.

If you’ve been there yourself, then the only question left is whether you need your partners to be at least a little discreet.

Now’s probably a good time for me to mention that “the biological preference men have for bigger breasts” and/or for boob rating is not a mess I care to clean up today.