Giving up on a ‘good man’ too soon?

Dear Carolyn: I’m going through a really tough time after a difficult breakup. My boyfriend and I were together three years. I moved to live in his city.

He wants to get married, have kids and settle down. We have fun together, and I do have love for him. My family also really likes him. My mom has told me to think twice before giving up someone so dedicated and loving. And it hurts my heart to even have to do this.

We have key differences in our core beliefs. He has very conservative beliefs. I hold more liberal views, and I didn’t realize how much it would bother me to see how he responds to matters like abortion and LGBTQ rights. I find it difficult to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to use the correct pronouns for my transgender friend and can’t see how abortion is a nuanced issue. He’s intelligent and so passionate, which drew me to him. But he’s also very intractable. For example, if we were to have a gay child, I would give my child unconditional love and acceptance. He has said he would love his children regardless but could not accept a homosexual partner into our home.

I broke up with him because we don’t communicate well and I don’t respect and trust him.

I was very firm about having a joint account for main expenses and small personal accounts for discretionary spending. He wanted everything in the joint accounts. He listened, but I didn’t feel my concerns were being addressed.

Despite all this, he really does love me, and I’m concerned whether I made the right call. I’m worried I gave up a good man. How should I have handled things? — Irreconcilable Differences

Dear Irreconcilable Differences: Exactly as you did. Better to have your divorce before you marry.

Just because it’s painful doesn’t mean you made the wrong call. You disagree on human rights. There’s no working that out.

Even if you agreed fully on moral issues, you’d still be in the hard-no zone with “don’t communicate very well,” “don’t fully respect,” “hard time fully trusting him,” feeling serious concerns aren’t addressed and his balking at separate funds. You can enjoy someone immensely, love him deeply and still make bad life partners.

About that “love deeply” thing. We all learned from your letter how much he loves and cares for you. And that you … ah … “do have love for him.”

Yikes.

Love from the far end of a 10-foot pole.

Breakup guilt for loving someone less than he loves you is real and underratedly awful. It’s like having to surrender a pet to a shelter. But getting back together to make that pain stop just puts a bigger, uglier breakup on the calendar.

Your mom sounds nice, but your gut sounds smarter. Keep trusting it till the waves of guilt subside.