Nephew’s question brings about introspection

Dear Harriette: I have a nephew who is getting married, and he is so happy. He came to me recently to ask for wisdom about marriage, and I fumbled and eventually told him I would think about it and get back to him. I have been married for a long time — more than 20 years — but if I am honest, I cannot say that it is a happy marriage. Sure, we have good times, but we argue a lot and pretty fiercely. I didn’t want to talk about that stuff, but I really am at a loss for words. I think the main reason we are still together is that we never left each other. We fight, then we keep moving. So far, nothing has been so bad that either of us has walked away. That doesn’t sound romantic at all. What do I say to someone who is about to start a life with his wife? — The Secret

Dear The Secret: Tell your nephew your truth. Admit that it isn’t always easy to be married because you and your spouse argue a lot. Share that you don’t always agree on things, which can ignite an argument. But, in the end, you two seem to accept each other for who you are. That has been your secret to staying together. You might add anything that you wish for him in his marriage that includes what you wish for yourself — for example, more listening and less arguing.

Dear Harriette: I was hanging out with friends, and they got to complaining about a mutual acquaintance of ours. During the rant, my friend got really mad because she described this woman as a hoarder. She went on and on about how bad her workspace is organized. It sounded terrible, but it also sounded like me. I bet I would be classified as a hoarder if I ever let anybody see my place. My friend, who is usually so nice, was ripping this woman apart about the way she keeps her space. I took a mental note never to invite her to my place. But I also feel like my anger is misplaced. I know I need help, but I have no idea where to start.

— Hoarder

Dear Hoarder: You have taken the first step by acknowledging that you have a problem and that you need help. Believe it or not, hoarding is considered a mental health condition that needs professional treatment. Yes, it is hard to tackle and likely you need trained support to treat it.

Still, there are some things you can attempt yourself. According to the Mayo Clinic, you can learn to identify and challenge thoughts and beliefs related to getting and saving items; learn to resist the urge to get more items; learn to organize and group things to help you decide which ones to get rid of, including which items can be donated. Additionally, it is important to improve your decision-making and coping skills. One suggestion is to remove clutter in your home during in-home visits by a therapist or professional organizer. Something else you might find helpful is learning to reduce isolation and increase opportunities to join in meaningful social activities.

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