Don’t be a “dirty dog.” Pick up your pup’s waste.
They are everywhere in Hampton Roads. Yup, dogs.
Short ones, tall ones, smooth ones, fluffy ones, ones whose owners spend hundreds of dollars to put them in little bougie dog outfits (which probably humiliates them in front of their little dog friends). Shelter dogs and fancy designer dogs mixed with other dogs to create hypoallergenic dogs like schnauzers with poodles — wait, isn’t that a line in a song from The Sound of Music?
What’s one thing all these dogs have in common? Dog poop.
What’s one thing all these dogs don’t have in common? Responsible owners who pick up the dog poop.
On several occasions, I’ve gone out to retrieve mail (AKA bills) from the mailbox and found more than just my Capital One credit card statement. What’s in my wallet? Who cares? What’s on my shoe?
OK, I know dogs are attracted to mailboxes. Yeah, I get it. It’s like me being attracted to Krispy Kreme. I just pull in there. I don’t know why. I just do it. (I mean technically, I don’t have a leash holding me back, unless one counts the seatbelt, which by the way, has absolutely no power or restraint abilities to withstand the temptation of a raspberry-filled doughnut.)
I’ve come to the conclusion, although there are like a gazillion dog breeds, there are really only three types of dog walkers:
1. “The Canine Connoisseur” walks his dog on a leash (and not one of those retractable mega-XXL leashes that when fully extended allows the dog and the owner to be in two separate counties simultaneously). He then simply bends gracefully at the knees and upwardly scoops up any “excrement” into a (most likely biodegradable, most likely purchased at Whole Foods) doggy waste bag and departs. He is simple, sophisticated, probably sniffs wine corks and has a jar of Grey Poupon in the car at all times. Legend has it that classical music can be heard when he appears.
2. “The Barking Bluffer” presents much like the aforementioned Canine Connoisseur and is known to greet neighbors with a friendly “good morning” or “howdy” as he cheerfully walks man’s best friend with a doggy waste bag in hand. But beware, he holds a deep, dark secret. (Cue whispering voice) PSSST, that’s the same bag from yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. In fact, that is probably the same bag from last year because, well, he never really uses it. He slowly approaches the freshly laid “pile.” He looks left, he looks right, he looks left again, he swoops, he fakes a scoop, and he’s out of there! Yes folks, he is a fraud, a faker, the Milli Vanilli of dog poop picker-uppers.
3. “The Dirty Dog” proudly walks with his dog off-leash with no bag in hand, and smokes his 10th morning cigarette as his 120-pound spiked-collar dog named Princess leaves her mark (a very, very, large mark) right smack dab in the middle of the lawn as the homeowner watches in awkward disbelief. (Incidentally, The
Dirty Dog used to bully many Canine Connoisseurs and take their lunch money. Frequently he is seen wearing a white tank top, cut off shorts and black socks with some kind of brown loafers. He is bold, brazen, and often carries an alcoholic beverage, time of day irrelevant. He is banned from HOA meetings for throwing chairs.)
OK, so these are a little extreme (except No. 3, we all know a No. 3, and a Princess,) but if you chose the pet life, or if the pet life chose you, be a responsible owner and clean up after your dog.
Don’t make your neighbors talk about you. Don’t make your neighbors hate you. Don’t make your neighbors go full 2022 Oscar night Will Smith on you. (Slapping sound) “Keep your dog’s poop outta my yard!”