Past pain changed family relationships

Dear Harriette: I always had a contentious relationship with my aunt. I found her to be harsh, sometimes mean and often unreliable. She has been dead for years.

Recently my cousin, who was much closer to her, told me that my aunt always wanted to have a relationship with me, but my father wouldn’t let her. The two of them had issues, and his punishment to her was keeping us apart. I am sad that I never got to know this woman. I don’t know what issues she and my dad had. Both of them are long gone.

I know that I have had a contentious relationship with one of my own sisters. I feel like I want to work extra hard now to ensure that nothing like what happened to my father and his sister will happen to me and mine. How do you get past old hurts? — Breaking a Cycle

Dear Breaking A Cycle:

For starters, talk to your cousin and learn whatever you can about your aunt and her life. Listen to the stories, and get a sense of who this woman was. Do your best not to judge your aunt or your father for how they interacted. You will never understand the complexities of their relationship.As far as your bond with your sister, decide that it will be as healthy as possible. Do not allow yourself to fall into a pattern of holding onto grudges. Decide that you will love each other and learn to respect each other for who you are, not who you want the other to be. Sometimes you have to forgive someone for being who they are, even if that truth is hard for you to accept.

Dear Harriette: My girlfriend is deeply in touch with her emotions, which, as a sensitive person myself, I genuinely admire. However, I’ve noticed that disagreements between us often result in her tears, regardless of the issue’s magnitude. While I respect her emotions, I feel like her crying has become a way to end arguments in her favor. I want to address this without appearing insensitive or dismissive of her feelings. How can I communicate my concerns and encourage a healthier resolution without invalidating her emotions? — Beyond the Emotion

Dear Beyond the Emotion:

Talk to your girlfriend during a time when you are not in the middle of a heated discussion. Tell her that you want to come up with a way to handle disagreements so that you can push past the tears. Acknowledge that she is emotional, and tears often flow when you argue. Point out that you realize resolution cannot come in the height of emotion. This doesn’t mean you are asking her not to cry. Ask her to agree to finalize the conclusion to any debate only when she has collected herself and you two can talk without an onslaught of emotion.