Let’s work on anger management in 2024

There is a lot to be angry about.

Our political systems are dysfunctional and rife with hateful rhetoric. Headlines about multiple wars abroad are competing for our attention, while at home, we are fighting ideological wars for our basic rights or to protect our communities. There is so much hate and violence. And that’s just what’s in the news.

You might be angry about entirely personal things. Coping with work. Coping with a lack of work. Handling family relationships. Seeking family relationships. Managing illness. Or you could be carrying anger about past trauma.

If you are angry, you probably have good reason, and you definitely are not alone in that feeling.

I reflect a lot on the moral development of our society based on my doctorate in developmental psychology from Columbia University in New York — which some might call the anger capital of the world! I lived for some years in the Holy Land, a place where we often can find a lot of holy rage. I am a rabbi in Arizona, one of the most politically divided states in our nation. I am also a mentor to young people working to become activists and devote their energies to fighting, often with a lot of anger, for a better future.

And to my mentees, to my community members, to myself and to you, I want to say: Let’s work on managing our anger in 2024.

Here are the three ideas I want you to have in mind.

1. Your anger is a risk to you (and to others). If you give it free expression, you may feel it is right; you may be sure it is justified. And maybe it is. But it can cost you relationships, it can impede your functioning and it can degrade your health.

I suspect people are overcompensating for another big mistake — repressing anger in the hope that it will disappear. I see this over and over again with young activists who are living their lives, minute to minute, dominated by their sense of anger. They have good reason to be angry, but their anger has snowballed into rage that consumes them.

2. Your anger is wise. So what can you do, if expressing your anger is risky and repressing your anger is no better? Relate to it. Befriend it. Let it go, but not before it teaches you something about yourself or about the world. Try to understand it.

This is what I teach my mentees when they feel their anger demonstrates that their commitment is more valid or authentic. Ask your anger about the hurt from which it is truly coming and then look for ways to address that hurt. Your anger is your partner, not your nemesis, in this spiritual investigation.

And when we have shown it respect and addressed some of its needs, it is also easier to thank our anger for showing up to support us and telling it, “I don’t need you right now,” when it gets in our way.

3. Your anger is powerful. Researchers at Texas A&M University recently published a research paper titled “Anger Has Benefits for Attaining Goals.” They conducted a series of experiments showing that anger can boost performance and/or motivation to achieve goals. Can we productively engage our anger to be more of service to our employers, families and communities? Can we animate our anger, in generative ways, so we avoid becoming cynical, stoic, apathetic or indifferent to the emotional roller coasters of life?

Managing your anger is not about destroying it. You are going through life together, and you should be in charge, benefiting from its wisdom and its strength, but you should not be controlled by it.

Here’s to a year of healthy, productive, limited anger. Let’s bring more light than heat into 2024.

Your anger is wise. So what can you do, if expressing your anger is risky and repressing your anger is no better? Relate to it. Befriend it. Let it go, but not before it teaches you something about yourself or about the world. Try to understand it.