Do gaslighters see what they’re doing?

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: Do you think people who practice gaslighting realize they are doing so? It seems like such a vicious form of manipulation. — Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: I think they think they are just trying to get what they want. That, of course, involves some degree of selfish intent — a baseline conviction that they’re more entitled to get what they want than other people are, which allows them to justify achieving that at others’ expense. But while the effect can be vicious, I’m not sure the intent is always consciously so.

If you imagine gaslighters as emotional children in adult bodies, this interpretation makes sense:

When you’re little it’s pretty standard to try to manipulate things to your advantage. You try to get the best cookie for yourself, without connecting that to its effect on others. At some point, kids on an emotionally healthy path start to make that connection and stop elbowing everyone else aside to maintain their own advantage.

The gaslighter is the person who never matured to that point. So when they see cookies up for grabs, they do whatever necessary to maneuver themselves toward the best one — I’m guessing like a child, without full consciousness that anyone else’s wants or needs are even a factor. Maybe they have some awareness of others’ needs but it just isn’t compelling enough to persuade them.

Even the subtler, adult versions of gaslighting have the same foundation. For example: “I don’t know where you’re getting this — that’s not what I said. All I meant was (offering some more flattering spin on a crappy comment vs. taking responsibility for the actual crappy comment).”

Imagine an emotional inability or unwillingness to say, basically: “You got me — I said (crappy thing), and you’re right to be upset. I am sorry. I was being defensive and obnoxious, and you didn’t deserve that from me.” Some people have senses of self that are too fragile to bear an admission of fault, to the point of turning the shame on others.

And when people decide to spin their bad behavior instead of owning it, they force the other person in the transaction — the sentient witness to their crappy comments or behaviors — into questioning their own memory of what they actually heard. Gaslighting exploits our natural inclination, our desire, to believe what people are saying to us.

I see gaslighters as emotionally feral — fearful that granting anyone else power will reduce them to prey in the emotional wild. I expect there are varying levels of self-awareness in the people who are this way. But a desperation to hold power, out of a fear of appearing weak, is the engine.